I know you would prefer familiar reassurance and advice from @kkasxo- I’ll tag her too hopefully she sees it.

You are a lovely person Shelby after reading Michelle’s response to my advice, I think you are owed more from me. You come across as someone with a strong work ethic, someone who is an asset to her team to work crazy hours, caring, intelligent, sensitive, and with so much to offer.

The reason I asked if you had already been intimate is that some are notorious chasers they get off on that initial thrill in early courting, I think that doesn’t seem to be the case here. However like I said certain hormones are active during the acute phase of courting and it can lull you into a false sense of security too that’s why you should be relaxed until a relationship is defined.

I wouldn’t be worried by an emoji being missing at the end of a text, that is just your brain looking for reasons to provide evidence and support your inner critic. I think the major issue is you feel you have to read into these type of signs.

I’ve been doing a lot of self reflecting and I believe some of the things I’ve learned are applicable to yourself. We are very self-critical, we allow our inner critic to overpower and control our thoughts/behaviour.

I am going to be blunt and please do not be hurt by this and you can ignore and discard the advice of course. I know you are a sensitive person so yesterday I tried to be less direct. I could pretend that it is just fear. I could cheerlead and blame the guy, but this thread was my savior. You are the author and I want you to heal fully and have a fulfilled relationship as much as I.

The reality is you still do not have the self worth and appear to be deeply insecure in yourself. That isn’t just in relationships but you doubt your ability in your job too.

You are currently faking the high value act, this act allows you to attract anyone if you actually felt and believed it you would not be affected so much by the possibility of loss/rejection, disappointed but happy that you took a risk and assured that something better awaits for you.

Our masks always come off after the initial courting phase, everyone reveals their true self when the initial hormones have worn off. Everyone has flaws but someone who is truly high value doesn’t let the inner critic win as they are self assured. With a very self critical voice someone with low self worth will allow the feelings of insecurity and neediness to become amplified as the relationship continues then seek approval and reassurance from others.

Unless you really address the neediness and insecurity it will be tough for you to have a long lasting relationship, which is why I think you trying to forge a new relationship without really addressing the issues will hurt you.

Sometimes it can be a case we end up meeting someone who has different needs to us i.e. we may want closeness and partner prefers space in cases like those the partners either compromise and with good communication, the difference in compatibility can be rectified or they simply accept they are incompatible and part ways.

If the issues are stemming from deeper emotional issues you’ll hit the same block no matter what type of person you meet.

• In your own words you stated you ended up being needy/clingy with your ex.
• Your guy friend you mentioned to us you would end up feeling hurt when he didn’t reassure you in the way you wanted.
• You mentioned the 1st guy you casually dated left you distraught even though you didn’t want him. You said when you care about someone that is when the fear or anxiety strikes, but you felt insecure here too.
• Now this 2nd guy is making you feel anxious and so scared of loss.
There’s a pattern Shelby.

If a relationship gets going what you’ll end up trying to do is bend over backward for your partner to make yourself feel more adequate but when your emotional needs are not met eventually they will seep out in needy/clingy behaviour.

If you have a partner who is kind the relationship will continue. But then your partner will end up feeling burdened by the responsibility of being your sole source of happiness or guilty or resentful. Your partner will feel emotionally drained. Yet you will feel hurt and disappointed they are not giving you the reassurance in the way you need. Thus leading to your partner leaving or walking away because they are exhausted or overwhelmed and drained by being ultra-supportive of your emotional needs. From what you wrote I think the new guy is sensing this hence the change.

Personally, all my friends have been encouraging me to get back out there, except my best friend with a psychology background who was very compassionate but straight-talking also. I am not going out there until I know I have worked on similar issues myself. I read this quote once which went something like “until you have your own house built with the strong structure it’s unwise at best and unloving at the worst to invite someone to spend any length of time under your shaky roof.” So if we’re not 100% secure in ourselves should we even be looking for a relationship? Like Tim mentioned we may not like to accept it but we will end up perpetuating toxic cycles.

You have all the qualities but you have to have real self confidence and not seek reassurance from others You need to be happy with yourself first or nothing will change in your relationships.

Are you sure your therapy is doing you good? It may have made you hyperaware and not dealt with the actual issue. You said you’ve had therapy for years but the same issues are arising. Maybe try something different? A different therapist or training on behaviour patterns.

Maybe get your guy friend on board to assist you? He has first hand experience with you and that’s what opposite sex friends are for!! To help navigate the dating arena by giving you a view of yourself and the pitfalls to avoid. You mentioned you were totally yourself with him and he was emotionally understanding and cared. Ask him how he felt when you were needy etc and how he dealt with it etc. Or ask him for tips on what you could tweak to ensure you don’t feel so anxious in a new relationship.

We could have done with Tim giving an insight too. He has the experience and is pretty clued up with this stuff and may have put it across more succinctly and sensitively.

I think you should really spend tonight self loving, pamper yourself, switch off from the intrusive inner critic thoughts and enjoy your date and take it as it comes tomorrow.

It may surprise you but if something feels off still, discuss it and do not let it work you into a frenzy that you are not enough. Either way if this goes further you will need to address the issues or they will seep out further down the line in bigger ways because no one can reassure you forever or promise you a forever.

I’m really sorry if you didn’t want to read it. I don’t want to molly coddle you, I really think you are an amazing person with lots of strength and you need to believe that too x