Dear jenny:

I think that the following post will be difficult for you to read and you might reject it immediately, before considering it. I hope you are calm enough to read it, and that you will take a break before and maybe during the read, f you need to.

You shared about a fairytale love story, that of your parents: “the most beautiful relationship.. childhood sweethearts, each other’s first.. together for around 30 years”.

Sept 3, you wrote: “My parents also had few fights, a couple of them did become pretty nasty but not once did my father abuse my mother or vice versa in any way”.

Sept 4, you wrote: “The nasty fights I talked about were mostly about mom being upset about something and talking about it for maybe 2-3 days”-

– your father did not participate in those few nasty fights, did he, it was only your mother venting while your father was quiet and supportive in the background, being “next level amazing. Unbelievably good and respectful to mom…super respectful to mom.. the best husband”.

This is my understanding at this point: in their marriage, your father was a saint, never angry at your mother, and when she was angry, she was angry all by herself until she calmed down, with his support, respect, and submission. The price your father paid for this seemingly beautiful fairytale relationship is complete submission to your mother. Because of his complete submission, she didn’t need to get angry much, or to re-assert her power, or to raise her voice. Her power over her husband was established early on, and it didn’t require re-establishing. All it required was maintenance.

“I grew up seeing my father treating my mother respectfully and as an equal”- like a superior, not an equal. It only appeared equal.

You always wanted a relationship like your parents’: “I have wanted the same always.. my one and only relationship and then tell my grandkids about it.. So  when I got together with R, I was 21, it was my first emotional and physical love and I remember telling him that he is my own fairytale”.

This is what you wrote about your behavior early in the relationship with R: “I argued.. I wasn’t submissive since the beginning, I would take a stand from the beginning.. We had arguments since the very beginning.. because I was always used to seeing very respectful behavior from dad toward mom, I was very sensitive to his lack of respect and time towards me”-

– in the beginning relationship with R, you were like your mother, the one to assert her power, dominant, argumentative if needed, and you expected R to react like your father did: to submit to your power completely and respectfully.

“I am used to seeing a super loving husband in my dad… maybe. I have unbelievably high expectations of good conduct from (R)”- what you consider “super loving” and “good conduct” is the smooth, well practiced and perfected submissive conduct by your father toward your mother. You expected that from R.

“I think I grew up seeing my father treating my mother respectfully and as an equal and so internalized need of respect in my relationship with R and thus, felt upset”- I think that you internalized the need for a submissive partner, as submissive and well practiced in it as your father has been for many years.

You wrote regarding R: “I was just not used to such dominating tendencies and impatience with basic needs, not from my father, not even from my brothers or friends”- some of what you refer to as “dominating tendencies” by men are valid assertions. If a man is not as submissive as your father has been to your mother, you think of them as dominating, is my current understanding.

In regard to your relationship with your mother, you wrote: “as a child whenever mom would be upset with me, she’d say the following politely but firmly: ..look at Elise, will she ever argue back with her mother, all children are so disciplined… Improve your nature Jenny, I am your mother so I take it but if you don’t change it..”-

– your mother demanded power over you and over her husband. She didn’t have to raise her voice with him or treat him rudely because he heard her perfectly when she talked to him politely. She asserted her power with you as well, politely but firmly, adding a threat to the mix: if you don’t change your behavior with me…

At this point, I still think that R is still an appropriate initial for your ex boyfriend, I still think that he was abusive, but now I also think that although you didn’t cause his abusive behavior, you fueled it by arguing with him and expressing to him (without being aware of it, and in not in these words) that you expect him to be perfectly submissive to you.

anita