Yeah. I didn’t message him anymore after the text last week where I told him that I hope he’s doing good. I deleted all traces of his number on my phone and I don’t intend on establishing further connection no matter how much my guilt eats me up.

There were actually plans on meeting up. When he wanted to label me as his girlfriend, I told him that I’m not comfortable with labeling until we meet in person and see where the chemistry takes us. There were some talks about him visiting me around end of year or when COVID is over and settled down a bit. He did have a plan to come visit around June before we started our relationship, but that all was cancelled because COVID happened.

I just had my hour long therapy session. I cried the entire one hour, discussing what happened and discussing grieve and how I handled my other losses. This is the first time I ever talked to a therapist. I usually have been discussing my problems either on the internet or with close friends. My dad passing away last year was brought up and I probably haven’t grieved that properly either.

My family isn’t the type of family that deals well with emotions. Emotions is usually punished. When I would cry when I was young, my dad would yell at me and my siblings and possibly even hit us with a belt. “Why are you crying?! There’s nothing to cry about! It’s embarrassing.” So my family isn’t the ones I turn to for emotions. Even with friends, sometimes it’s hard to turn to them for advice and emotions, though I’m lucky that I have found a few friends that I can open up to and really talk about it.