Dear anita,

I think it is the right decision to have ended it and to not remain friends. I will not be trying again with him, because it would likely not work. And what if I then left him again, what kind of mess would that be?? Or maybe he would leave me. No, it is for the best to leave this in the past. I have checked his instagram account (definitely need to stop that) and he seems very happy now. He posted pictures with captions saying how good life is. So I do not have to worry about him.

During the meeting the communication was still not that good. I was still very shy. But when I wrote to him, I was able to express myself better. Usually I am able to express myself better in writing. Only when I feel very secure with someone, I will be able to speak calmly to them, and with him I did not feel that much at ease. We just never got to spend that much time together, get to know each other well.

I brought up some things that did not work that well in the past. Was that petty of me? I said “communication was not good”. To which he responded, that I never wanted it, having no smartphone. I said “yes, I did not want one”, but I did not say that I don’t think that this was the only reason for our bad communication. Even though I do think that.

He talked about being friends, that he is interested in having that human connection. But I said, what would we do as friends, we never really spent any time together? And he said that this was not true, we went out to eat together. I did not know what to respond. But to me, those were not real dates. We went out twice. One, when he was making a stop in my town before traveling elsewhere. He informed me only shortly before that he was coming. He wanted to eat and suggested to go to a place at the main station, but there was no room to seat there. So I suggested a different place. While we were eating the conversation was slow. I was always tense around him and did not know what to say. He was texting on his phone, even called someone. I thought to myself that I must be the most boring person in the world.

The second date we met at the evening after it was dark. We sat at a bank, talking. His cousin called him. Then we walked to the main station, where we picked up some food that we then ate at home.

To me, those were not really dates. Am I asking too much? Am I untgrateful?  I do not need any fancy restaurants or gifts or anything, but I would have liked to spend some intentional time together. I know that he was busy, but we could at least have planned better, made some effort. It never felt like that, all felt so in between, like I just got crumbs… I wondered if he really was interested in me and I did not feel like it. On the other hand, I should have spoken up to him, talked about it. If I ever meet someone, I will do that. At least I have learned some things from this experience.

Anyways, I meant to say, two of the criticisms I brought up, just were dismissed. And I was also incapable of explaining myself. But those are signs that this would have never worked. In the conversations I felt like he was the leader and I the follower. like he had an idea how things should be. I did not get the impression that he was very interested in my thoughts or opinions. And that he did not reflect his own behaviour. It would not work for me and I would suffer, if I stayed with him.

And friendship would only confuse me, I think. So it is best as it is. Good that we could close that chapter together. He seems happy now and I am happy for him. Still I have a bit of a depressed feeling. But in time, I will be able to move on.

Who knows, maybe someday a relationship will be possible for me. Maybe when I’m 70 or so the time will come for me that I am ready, haha…