Dear Dee:

You shared about your parents: “their relationship was not what I would ever want for myself… My parents divorced when I was 10. My dad was always out with friends throughout the week and weekend. He would come home late, after we’d all be asleep. My dad has now been with his current partner on and off for 12 years, well really it’s been longer than that.. I found out my father had been seeing his girlfriend since 2003! I was 5… he was probably sneaky from the start of their marriage… I resent my father because I just don’t know why he would do that considering my mother is an amazing woman. However, after asking my dad for a divorce she started cheating on him before they actually part ways. Their divorce was a mess and definitely impacted me”.

About you, you shared: “I’m 22.. I have a really hard time communicating and saying the things I want to say. I have a hard time setting boundaries with people.. Previous to dating my current boyfriend, I was constantly bubbly, had no bad days, always a smile on face, I felt great all the time. I still feel pretty positive and don’t necessarily feel like any day is bad but I  know I would feel more at ease if I was single. I have a major fear of commitment. I am incredibly independent… My ideal future does not include marriage or kids… I have the purest intentions all the time and don’t want to hurt anyone.. I’m a generous girl with so much love to offer.. just not in a romantic way… I don’t know how to have a conversation with him about my feelings without feeling like the devil… I am not someone who has serious conversations well… I just want out.. I want to get it over with so I can start living my best life again. I cannot fathom the idea of actually confronting him.. I’m an open book”.

About the relationship with your boyfriend, you shared: “The man enjoys me so much. He thinks so highly of me and trusts me.. I’m not very attracted to him, but if he TRIED to have sex more than I would, that would definitely make me happier. But we are not sexually compatible.. He sweats a lot and sleeps loud. He doesn’t have a car.. He is wonderful though, he will do anything and everything for me… We get along really well, haven’t had a single argument… It’s easy to be around him… he really believes we are going to be together forever”.

My thoughts:

1. “I love them both endlessly“.. I am a generous girl with so much love to offer.. just not in a romantic way“-

– I think that the core of who you are is your endless, generous, so much love for your mother and for your father.

You experienced plenty of bad days in your home when your father was so often out of the home during the week and weekend, with friends and with his girlfriend, and during their divorce. But you became a “constantly bubbly, had no bad days, always a smile on face” girl because you love your parents so much that you want them to see you happy and not worry about you.

But the bad days are inside the “no bad days, always a smile on face” girl. These bad days exist in the form of an emotional resolution to never allow yourself to be in your parent’s marriage. And that means, to  never allow yourself to be in any marriage. You don’t have the experience of witnessing a good marriage at home, so as far as your personal experience goes, there is only one kind of marriage, and you don’t want to be in it.

2. “I’m an open book”- not in this context: “I have a really hard time communicating and saying the things I want to say.. I don’t know how to have a conversation with him about my feelings.. I am not someone who has serious conversations well”. If you learned to communicate well and talk to a boyfriend about your feelings, then you will experience a relationship that is different from the one between your parents.

3. “he really believes we are going to be together forever”, because the two  of you “get along really well”, and because you are an “always a smile on face” girl who did not tell him that she feels anything negative toward him/ the relationship.

4. “I just don’t know how to handle this. Do I just distance myself and hope he catches the vibe? Could I write him a letter? Start being awful and undesirable? .. I just want out.. (but) cannot fathom the idea of actually confronting him”-

– to make breaking up with him a learning experience for you and for him, better you tell him the truth. First step, prepare a letter with the truth in it. You may give him the letter to read in your presence or out of your presence, or you may read it to him out loud. Or you can use it as a preparation for a conversation with him. If you want me to help you to prepare this letter, let me know.

anita