Hey Shelby!

It’s been awhile since I have posted here but I still read semi-regularly.

Firstly I wanted to say that I am really proud of you for putting yourself into the dating arena again! Such a slog.

Second, I wanted to suggest you read up on attachment styles. I know I talked about them a little awhile back. It have been a really useful framework for me to understand how I act in relationships, especially potentially romantic ones, why others may act like they do and how it triggers/affects me. Like you I am very much anxious-preoccupied and perceive changes in people’s behaviour easily that make me very very anxious. Sorry to say that this guy sounds very much avoidant, and I think without him recognising and committing to address that there is little hope of you having a fulfilling relationship. Check out the “attachment theory” reddit and you may recognise some patterns there- I found it helpful, anyway!

I should of course say that is easy for me to say; harder to live. For example, I recognise when my anxious attachment is triggered very easily now, and when potential dates likely have an avoidant style but I still struggle hugely knowing what to do next. For example, I’ve been talking to someone solidly for a few weeks now and had a nice date with them this past weekend and not hearing from them consistently  is causing me massive anxiety even though I know it’s just because my attachment system is triggered, and I can also tell they likely have an avoidant style. But I’m not sure if that means I just cut my losses, give it a few weeks and reach out again, or just reach out now like I want to. I wish this stuff came with a rulebook!

Anyway, hope your infection clears up and you are feeling better soon. That’s a lot to deal with on top of dating anxiety. Xx