Dear Tania:

In February this year, you knew that your husband (let’s call him H again) was flirtatious with his work colleague, a woman he was interested in before he married you. Back in February, according to what you shared, you did not know yet that H was following pretty “sexual women” on social media, that he was watching porn regularly, or that he opened a secret account so to chat with women. Yet, this is how you felt back in February: “This all feels hurt… really hurt.. I just feel hopeless and feel that I’m not worth it anymore.. I don’t have any spirit to live… this all makes my life such in a dark place”.

In June this year, two months before you found out that he watches porn, this is how you felt: “I feel no hope.. I feel hurt again and again when I see him, I feel hopeless”.

September 20 and 21, after you found out that in addition to watching porn regularly, he also “created a secret social media account and chatted with another girl”, you felt the following: “The hurt I feel is so deep.. I wasn’t ready for this all… I’m really hopeless”.

Tania, you felt deeply hurt and  hopeless all along, not only since you married H, but long before you met him, ever since you were a child: “my heart is always feeling blue and I don’t have any spirit to do anything.. what is the real meaning of being alive… all is boring”, “feeling lonely, unattended to, unloved.. feeling jealous, suspicious.. is what I feel for my entire life.. even with my dad”.

Your mother left you when you were 3 and had a new family elsewhere, without you. Your father was at times angry at you because you physically looked like your mother and reminded him of her, a woman he hated. He didn’t celebrate your birthdays- this childhood experience made you very hurt and hopeless, and it is this hurt and hopelessness that keep feeling.

If your husband was perfect, you would still feel this hurt and hopelessness. For example, the two of you are having dinner together and he is looking at you with a smile, then a thought could occur to you: maybe he is thinking about another woman while he is smiling. A thought like this would be all it would take to bring back that deeply hurt and hopeless feeling.

You did not tell him of your findings (the porn, and the secret chatting account are the latest), so no communication between the two of you followed your findings. There is no history between the two of you of deep, successful communication: “I can’t really talk with him heart to heart.. he doesn’t like to talk about such as express feelings.. he becomes angry.. When he is at home, he.. ignores me, most of the time he wastes (online)”. With this kind of lack of communication, I don’t see a reason to think that he will stop his online activity that is so troubling to you.

You wrote earlier: “My attention is just for him.. attention to get his attention..it really is hard to stop that… my mood is dependent on him… I always look at him and all of my thoughts are just for him.. he is the number one of my priority… Even when I’m in workplace, I also could just think about him, especially when he didn’t chat with me.. But he is totally different, he can (be online) for several hours.. without worrying or asking for my attention”.

Following your most recent finding, I suggest that separating from him may be the things for you to do, and you rejected this suggestion. You intend to stay with him as is.

My input today, Sept 21, following seven months of communicating with you: I still think, as I suggested to you before, that you need quality psychotherapy so to address your childhood experience and heal from it best you can, with the help of a competent professional. You did not take on this suggestion. I offer another suggestion:

When you are no longer pregnant, after you give birth, consider seeing a medical doctor for possible anti-depression medications, such as the SSRI group of anti-depressants.

– As a mother, you need to manage your depression so that your child is not harmed by your depression. You wrote it yourself in your most recent post today: “I don’t want my baby to feel this pain also”. Anti-depressants after you deliver your baby may be the way to make this happen: to not pass on your pain to your baby.

Anti-depressants of the SSRI family of drugs are often prescribed not only for depression but also for obsessive thinking. It can help you focus less on H, less on what he is doing, think less about what he is doing… and that will give you the mental space to relax and be a better future mother to your child.

You are also welcome to re-read our past communication here, just as I did this morning. It can remind you of what we learned together about your situation and remind you of the suggestions I made to you, repeatedly. You are also welcome to post again anytime, vent, express your thoughts and feelings. I will read and reply to you every time you post, but I will not repeat the same analysis and suggestions I have already posted for you. This means that my replies will be shorter. I can still offer you practical advice on issues you may bring up, and empathy.

anita