@Lucie

Wow, I feel overwhelmed and deeply touched by your message. It appears you like things balanced although I expect nothing in return that is a wonderful quality which shows your gratitude and awareness. It will stand you in good stead and keep you moving. That message alone has balanced the books, so thank you Lucie. It was very thoughtful and kind of you.

It has also made me realise I’m not quite ready to give back and deal with the additional emotions associated with this forum, I’ll keep reading and reach out if someone is in desperate need of help but I’m still too devastated. It may seem odd to most but Rupert’s death was unexpected and he was very much my anchor especially during that dark phase of my life. His loss hits me harder as the days pass. Please do not worry though, I have a wonderful partner and family who understand and are supporting me. Your words have helped me tremendously during this time. It is heartening to read there has been some light cast in your journey, keep following it doll, it will lead to better days. The St John’s Wort you mentioned is something I will look into, it may help to taper of this current emergency dosage sooner rather than later. Thank you, you are full of pearls of wisdom. You are not defined by your trauma. It may be a part of you but it is not the whole of you.

Kudos to you for building bridges with your mom, you’ll be surprised how many times you have to cross the same river so it’s good in life to not burn bridges with the people who may have made mistakes but when all is said and done still love us, kindness builds bridges not walls. If someone is putting in the effort to reach out to you accept it with humility.

You’re a intelligent woman, your advice to @Shelbyville and @Sammy reflects that. I’m proud of you Lucie. Keep up the good fight!

@Sammy

It’s OK to make a retreat so as to advance better. I will try to be here hopefully if and when you choose to return. Recharge those batteries, i know you gave the courage to fight. Thinking of you.

@Rhaenys

I would like to think with growth I have an objective and fair view, but being a man I can be direct at times. I genuinely do not believe you said anything out of turn, Sammy just needs time. She is self aware and she she will return if/when she wants, if not do not carry any guilt. It is unnecessary in this instance.

Life is cyclical, sometimes you unfortunately get stuck in a rut again but it is important to take lessons from experiences to not repeat the same mistakes.

I wasted a lot of time on a past relationship trying to make it work you can read my previous posts for an in depth insight. The signs were all there pointing to the obvious demise. I stayed too long. I prolonged my suffering. However, I do not regret it in that instance as it was needed to make me stronger. To repeat that mistake now would mean I learned nothing, but I did the hard graft and it’s paid dividends.

You seem to be repeating your pattern very much like @Shelbyville. The reason is because you have not done enough work to discover who you really are, what you actually need in a relationship and how to really love yourself. Society and social media feeds us with the narrative that in order to be worthy we must meet certain standards we must be married, have children, have a high salary job etc in X amount of time. It adds pressure, whilst chasing that we fail to sit with ourselves, we fail to appreciate and love ourselves. Instead we berate ourselves for not being where others are. We compare, we become ungrateful and we lose ourselves in the process. Then we search for something to fill that void be it a relationship or another vice.

When I first met one of my partners cousin who is of a similar age to yourself, an extremely intelligent woman with high flying career, beautiful, kind and humble very much like my partner. I made the mistake of asking her why she was still single and if she felt her biological clock ticking. After the initial glare that almost pierced my soul. I remember exactly what she said;

“Tim, I have had the heartbreaks. Each relationship made it even more clear that I was worth more than I’d allowed myself to have in a relationship. I’m content being alone it affords me freedom but if someone wants to be a permanent part of my life and create life with me, I have learned they have to enhance it. Meaningful companionship is essential but my life is still fulfilling and valuable in the absence of a relationship. Even with past experiences I’m open to it, I simply am yet to meet him but you’ll be very mistaken to believe whilst waiting I’m going to waste my days worrying trapped by dogma, no Tim, I’m going to live my best life.”

That short interaction exuded so much positive energy it rubbed off on me. Surround yourself with the kind of people who encourage a positive change in one’s behaviour especially when the chips are down.

That is proof if you have high self worth, you will always remain true to who you are and love yourself regardless of your circumstances and where you are on the “timeline”.  You can still feel fulfilled and walk away from relationships that are unfulfilling with the belief you will be content and a better future awaits.

You attract and want to keep what you believe you deserve. If you have low self worth you’ll stay in very long relationships as you have but they will all end as they never met your needs. Your values were never aligned to begin with. You stayed to fill a void.

So I think if you commit to therapy, look into codependency, attachments and practice self love you’ll learn to let go of being in love with the ideals in your head, you’ll break the pattern of negative loop feedback and seeking relationships as a form of validation of your worth.

Instead you’ll manifest it when the timing is right. When you are in a relationship you’ll make wiser choices and choose someone who actually enhances your life too. At the moment you are living in fear. Fear of losing someone. Fear of being alone. Fear of not being loved so you end up settling or choosing the wrong ones. Etc.

That is no way to live and will just make you more sad and more anxious.I’ve been there. Believe in yourself and enjoy life don’t be in a rush to be where you think society expects you to be. You will no longer court wastes of times – the ones who play push/pull games and make you fall hard with the electric chemistry, but don’t want to commit, the ones with ambiguous intentions, the ones with nothing important to say or add to your life, the ones who believe in so little who exist simply to entertain themselves through selfishness.

Be better, feel better from within and start appreciating all that you bring to your own life. You are most attractive when you’re not worried about who you’re attracting and keeping. When you’re living your life confidently, freely and without restraint, you emit the kind of energy that it just isn’t possible to fake. Then you’ll naturally find the RIGHT one if it’s meant to be, who cares, respects, support and cherishes the ground you walk on and hopefully you’ll be wise enough to not sabotage and throw it away.

Good luck Rhaenys, hopefully the others on the forum will contribute if you need further support.