Dear Katie:

Sometimes, when trying to understand other people, and ourselves, we get stuck in one understanding/ one possibility, placing a person in a box, so to speak, and we no longer consider other possibilities. But often people are complex, not fitting neatly in a box. I re-read your posts from the beginning of your thread, Nov 2, to Nov 10, looking for possibilities outside the box.

Nov 10, you wrote: “The passive aggressive behavior from my boyfriend, as you know, is abusive. And of course, the verbal abuse really shocked me, so much that the first encounter left me literally speechless. I just started at him in disbelief. it was like someone I didn’t know was standing in front of me. I thought ‘where’s (name)? Who is this?’ It was like he flicked a switch.”-

“Who  is this?” You and I understood that the culprit to the trouble in the relationship is his OCD; that what fuels his obsession is his unresolved issues from his school days, 4 decades ago. The reasoning that follows is: if he learns in therapy to address his unresolved issues,  and manage his OCD, then all will be well.  We have placed him in an OCD box and closed the lid.

But what about that “passive aggressive behavior”:  there are plenty of men who are passive aggressive and yet, do not suffer from OCD. Plenty of men who are angry at women, yet do not fit this diagnosis. What if some or much of his anger is about something we did not thoroughly consider, or not consider at all?

For a quarter of a century he was married to a woman who “turned into a party girl and drinker.. cheated on him.. no respect… smoked in the car which made him feel ill. He asked her to stop but she would not.. she never did listen”-

– was he angry thinking that she cheated on him because he couldn’t satisfy her sexually=> angry at all women because he couldn’t satisfy them sexually? You wrote: “He would often want to know if he satisfies me sexually, constantly wanting reassurance”. We talked about this possibility earlier, and you wrote: “I never really thought about his ex wife cheating being projected onto me. That’s interesting”- more than just interesting?

“My boyfriend’s jealousy about my past has been over this past year since around last summer”- did he want to break up with you last summer because he changed his  mind and was no longer interested in the “forever till the end” vision the two of you shared?

Feeling embarrassed perhaps for changing his mind, he blamed you for his change of heart and pointed the finger of blame at you, at your past. After all, “he has known for years that I lost my virginity in high school”- but it didn’t bother him, didn’t stop him from buying those two burial plots for him and you. You wrote: “he plays the victim role well”, meaning he doesn’t want to take responsibility over his thoughts and feelings, instead, he blames others for his feelings/ change in feelings, it’s the other person’s fault.

What if his focus on that one guy in high school is not a random intrusive thought/ an obsession, what if it is an excuse for him to terminate the relationship?

“At a time when we should be looking forward to retirement and life together, he’s dwelling on high school, to the point where he’s become verbally abusive. This has all peaked this past year”- while you were sure that he is your “forever till the end”, while you were looking forward to retirement and life together”- he may have changed his mind this past year, maybe he had doubts before this past year.

* If he wanted out, why didn’t he end the relationship then, why the limbo (“I’m not sure where we stand.. limbo”)?

– Maybe because he is not a direct person. After all, you characterized  him yourself: “He is passive aggressive”-

– passive as in not telling you that he wants to break up, aggressive- as in .. having already broken up with you, in practical ways.

Why tell you that he misses you.. why keep a photo of the two of you on his twitter account?-

– “His therapist.. said he’s too angry with me.. that he should not see me for a while, and not  contact me too often because he is so angry with me”- think of the nature of emotions, it is to motivate animals, humans included, to particular actions: fear motivates an animal to run away, anger motivates an animal to attack another animal, to hurt and harm another.

How deep is his anger, is it deep enough for him to keep you in this limbo on purpose, so to hurt you?

“He claims he’s loved me since 6th grade”- did he really, or is this something he claims, your word? What else may he be claiming that may not be true?

“I just stared at him in disbelief. It was like someone I didn’t know was standing in front of me.. Who is this?”- maybe he is “someone (you) didn’t know”, maybe you projected into him what you needed him to be; maybe you are yet to know who he really is.

anita