Dear Jem,

Regarding your post, there are some questions that might be useful in getting you started.

First, what made you desire a romantic relationship with your friend? From your point of view, your friend doesn’t really check off your list of criteria for a romantic partner. So your compatibility with each other, again from your perspective, isn’t very high, which will lead to a lot of dissatisfaction. Though I caution you to withhold your judgement of him waiting to enter university until now since he is leading his life as he see fit; something that he has to take responsibility for, not you. That leads to the question of: are you both on the same page when it comes to “building a life”? You mention now is the time for you to build a proper life, but does he see it that way too? Or does it seem that you’re waiting for your boyfriend to catch up with you? Do you wish that your boyfriend would change? But for whose sake is he changing? You chose to enter into this romantic relationship, but why did you? You might love him, but a relationship isn’t built on chemistry. It’s built on the foundations of your actions; like tending to a budding seedling, you have to water it everyday. What kind of efforts are the both of you putting into this relationship? But why exactly are you doing so?

Regarding your obsession with your ex, the question is: what void are you trying to fill? You don’t like your ex, that’s a fact, but you are seeking something from him by not letting him go. In your mind, your ex hold this imaginary ‘thing’ that you desperately seek in order to fill a void inside of yourself. If you can only obtain that ‘thing’, then you will be alright somehow. So while you don’t attract conflict, you can choose conflict and you have chosen conflict in regards to your ex. You won’t let go of him, that’s your choice. But not letting go is you choosing your own misery. After all, he has done his best to ignore you, but you still try to hold on. Even when it’s been a decade, you are still holding on. What does this ex of yours represent that you can’t let go of him? What makes you so desperate? What is that void inside of you?