Hi Anita,

I can’t believe how quickly time has passed since I last posted here. I have come back to this thread a couple of times to reread what we’ve discussed, and to try to reply, but for whatever reason, I felt I didn’t have the energy to reply, even though I wanted to. After my last post, I stayed in the other city for a little while but had to come back home as it was clear my dog wasn’t doing well. Sadly, he passed away last month. I miss him so, so much. Looking back on this thread, I deeply regret the obsessive thoughts I had about this man. And, that despite the futility of it at the time, decided to go back to his city to try to “fix” things with him when it was clear for weeks before that, that as you say, the ship had sailed. However, I went anyway and wasted precious time I could have been spending with my dog. I’ve talked to a few friends about this, and they have all assured me that there is no point for me to feel guilty about this, but I still do. I’m angry at myself, at this man, at the situation. But maybe most of all, I’m just hurt and sad. I knew it would be a horrible experience for me to lose my lovely dog, but it has been magnified by the loneliness and isolation I have felt with the pandemic. I have been trying to focus on the positive aspects of my life, but I have been so depressed. To make matters more complicated, I have had my own health issues in the last few weeks that put me in the hospital. I’m currently on the mend with more tests being done, but it’s clear I am far from my best right now, emotionally or physically.

I feel in the past weeks since I updated you, I have fleeting moments of clarity regarding my situation, but then obsessive thoughts take over and I become exhausted and drained and depressive periods follow. I’ve given a lot of thought over what you have written last to me, about how I seemed to be hooked on rejection. It seems to be true. To me, this is so sad. I so desperately want to be “normal”, healthy, or integrate the child and woman aspects of me as you say. I find it rather pathetic that I have been suffering like this for years. On the outside, it must look to others that I am not trying, just making the same errors over and over. And yet, for me, it feels like a constant battle that I have tried not to give up on. Since we last spoke, I have transitioned to a new therapist. She seems to be helfpul, but I have only had a handful of sessions so far. I’m also meeting with my family doctor next week to go over the possibility of me meeting the diagnostic criteria for Bipolar II disorder. I have always known this was a possibility for me, yet I had hoped my mental issues were not so severe to meet the criteria for a full diagnosis. However, over the last year, it became very clear to me that I had several periods that would meet the criteria of hypomania. I have also had enough feedback from romantic partners in the the last few years to recognize that I go through periods of time that indicate hypomania. I guess I just didn’t want to accept this diagnosis. That being said, we will see what my doctor says and I will keep you updated.

For whatever reason, this past week has been one of the worst I have experienced in terms of mood in a long, long time. It hit me especially hard, as the week prior, I was feeling relatively good. I had thought I was on the mend, but now I wonder if it was possibly a hypomanic period for me and maybe that’s why this week has been so unbearable, the dreaded depression that follows mania. Either way, I have found myself once again obsessing over thoughts about what happened with S. I don’t even know why compeltely. I can’t say that it’s that I want him back in my life, I don’t even think from the progression of what happened, that he’s a very good person. He knew the situation with my family and dog’s health, and yet it feels to me that he strung me along for weeks after seemingly ending things with me when he had no intention of reconciling, He would message me regularly, suggest to meet, and then go silent. I find this particularly cruel behaviour, as he knew how much I was hurting over the health of my family and dog. However, after I told him I was back in his city and to let me know when he would like to get together again, he never did. After weeks of asking to meet again. What worse, is I did nothing about it. I acted like it was completely fine, and continued to communicate with him warmly when looking back, I should not have. I should have just stopped all communication, or at the very least told him I was displeased with his behaviour. I try to tell myself it doesn’t matter anymore, but for some reason, it really does to me, and it bothers me deeply that he has no idea what he has cost me. Perhaps I am just looking for someone to blame for the loss of my dog, I don’t know. I catch myself fantasizing about when things were good between S and I, and how maybe that could have continued. And I wouldn’t have wasted the last months of my dog’s life feeling so upset over him and the situation. I feel embarrassed about all of it, and I am so afraid that S will become the new J, and I will be stuck with these thoughts and feelings for years. And that itself deeply upsets me, because how can I on one hand rationally not think very highly of S, and then on the other pine for things to have been different. It’s so confusing.

I want to move forward Anita, I really do. I am so tired of feeling stuck, of ruminating over events that really in the grand scheme of things don’t matter. But I have felt so stuck, so down, so hopeless. I am afraid I won’t be able to move past these issues I have. I’m afraid I will never have my person, never have a family of my own. I am afraid of feeling stuck while everyone around me moves forward with their lives while I stand still. I’m afraid of not understanding myself. I don’t feel sure about moving to the new city anymore, I feel my life has dulled again. And this time maybe the worst of all, as I don’t have my lovely dog anymore as my companion. I have watched all of my friends and family move forward with partners and families of their own during this pandemic, and yet I am so stuck. I feel like I have so much work still to do on myself, yet so little energy to do it. I’m so sorry I don’t have a better update for you, I was hoping if I gave myself more time, I would. But after so many weeks, it’s clear that wasn’t going to be the case.

I hope you’re doing well Anita and staying safe. Thank you again for your continued support.

– L