Hi Anita,

I was thinking about that…..lasts.  You never know when something may be your last.  I recall the last time I told my father I loved him. He was in the hospital (back and forth from rehab for a few months), and we talked and I told him I loved him, which I had not said since I was a child.  I didn’t realize that was my last. My dad shortly after was unconscious and sent home on Hospice care.  He died 2 days later.

I try very hard to always let those in my circle know how I feel about them.  I guess in a way, knowing there could be a last.  Perhaps I also become too vulnerable.

My daughter was quite upset last night.  I think she felt her “last” with bf as well.  The difference is she misses him but is also angry; she feels she trusted him and now lost that trust.  I completely understand.  I asked her if she discusses this with her therapist and she said not really.  I told her to discuss it.  I’m thinking that bf owes her more than just an apology.  I’ll wait to see what her therapist says.  But in bf’s mind, I’m sure he’s thinking “I’m sorry” is enough.  (My daughter heard her father say I’m sorry way too many times.  She told him to stop saying I’m sorry and start changing what you say and do.) She had to grow up way to fast.

Bf communicated with me this weekend.  No mention of the past; told me he misses me.  I feel like there are so many other things going on in my life that it’s making it harder to deal with my emotions related to bf.  My daughter and her issues, my son leaving next Oct for Japan for 3 years (this was our last Thanksgiving together for 3 years), my mom aging and my reluctance to visit her, knowing bf’s in the same town.  I’m once again feeling this heavy weight.

This weekend I will put up my Christmas tree.  I’ve been dragging my feet a bit on this because bf and I always did this together.  But, my mom reminded me that that has been for the past 5 years.  I’ve had Christmases before him and will have Christmases after him.  My mom is my inspiration.  She so misses my dad but has the ability to keep going.

Katie