Thanks Anita, to answer your questions, I had a bit of a rocky childhood.  My parents separated when I was 7 for a year, and got back together again.  Five years later they split again, as my dad came home one day and told us he was becoming a johova’s witness.  My mom didn’t want anything to do with that, so he basically chose his religion over his family.  Since then, I haven’t had a relationship at all with him.  So I didn’t have a male figure growing up, basically since the age of 12 to present.  I have tried to mend the relationship with him but he gets very defensive, and doesn’t want to hear how much he hurt me.  As soon as I say that, he will block me on all types of platforms.

My mom has been married and engaged three times, and doesn’t have the best attitude towards men.  She turned into an alcoholic, but has been there for me at least.

I was remembering the other night, trying to go back to see what my pattern was with men, and I remember when I was quite young and if a guy was interested in me, I would immediately be turned off. In my adult years, I’ve tended to chase men that aren’t ready for a relationship, have issues, or just aren’t interested.  So I can see my pattern.

My friends have said that I self-sabotage, but I’m trying to still listen to my needs, ie. should I settle for someone who doesn’t speak the same love language, someone who I’m not that attracted to?  Or do I try and break my pattern, and learn to love?