Hi Anita,

If you recall, my ex-spouse was an abusive alcoholic.  His abuse was not just directed at me but at the kids as well.  My son was older when the abuse started to get really bad.  As the ex began to increase his drinking to a daily consumption, his abuse escalated.  An abuser gets worse when intoxicated, but not all alcoholics are abusers.  My daughter was quite young, 6ish when she realized what was going on, so her brain made many connections that need to be undone.

My son left for his undergrad education in 2008, but did come home on weekends.  While he was at college, that’s when the abuse got really bad.  My ex needed to drink in the morning, or he would sweat and shake, and it continued throughout the day, even at work.  He was a highly functional alcoholic until his last year of life.

My daughter was exposed to him smashing objects, verbally and emotionally abusing me, and physically abusing me as well.  He also verbally and emotionally abused the kids.  I couldn’t go out unless my son was home to take care of my daughter; she feared her father.  The few times that I did go over a friends house down the block, my daughter would hide from her father in a closet, call me, and tell me to come home.  He would talk very loudly in the house about what he thought about me, and then wanted to talk with my daughter.  That’s when she would hide.  There was one time ex was in the garage with her and I heard her start to cry.  As I opened the house door leading into the garage, he screamed in her face, “If you don’t stop crying, I’m going to punch you in the f’n face!”  I was horrified.  He’s punched holes in walls….you name it…he did it.  He always asked her if she wanted him to move out.  I told him she’s a little girl and she’s not to make decisions for him.   And I will be the one who says, and has said, you need to move out.  After finally did move out in 2010, I found a note in the garage from him, which be probably wrote while drinking, “K – I’ll slit you’re f’n throat.”  Oh Anita, I could go on and on.

I got over the bit of PTSD I had after he moved out.  It took awhile before my body didn’t jump when I heard the garage door opening.  It was my son coming home.  Ex was already moved out.

My daughter still has dreams of her father screaming at her and hiding from him.  She screams in her sleep at times.  She’s starting to have dreams of her, at her present age, yelling back at him…fighting back.  In her dreams she used to be a little girl, now she’s moved into adulthood.  Her therapist said that’s progress.  She has a very high fight trigger when she feels like she’s being cornered or mistreated.

This is something that she will always live with.  She needs to learn to cope with her triggers.  It’s still hard, and I don’t know if she’ll ever live a normal life.  I am hopeful, as always, hopeful Katie.  I could write a book.

Katie

• This reply was modified 4 years ago by Katie.