Hi Anita,

Thank you for your positive reframe about how my diagnosis could be a positive aspect in my work, rather than a negative one. I thought about that in a session I had with a client last week with a Bipolar I diagnosis. I did not disclose to him my diagnosis of Bipolar II, but at the end of the session he thanked me and said he felt so heard and understood during the session and was so grateful for my help. It helps me to know that perhaps my painful experiences can somehow inform my ability to help others today. I wonder if that’s how you feel too, with your past experiences and being able to help so many here on this forum.

I did my best the last week or so to apply empathy for myself when grieving the loss of my dog, and my past mistakes in general. It is not easy, but I feel slowly it is healing. I’ve spent many years rehashing my past mistakes, judging myself, hating myself for them, but I have seen (with your help!) how unhelpful this has been for me moving forward. It has only worked to keep me rooted in the past, which I do not want anymore. I know I must be brave and face the present/future rather than living in the past, but it is not easy for me.

I have been taking my newly prescribed medication nightly as instructed, and it has at the very minimum, helped me sleep much better. For the last few years I averaged around 4-5 hours of sleep, maximum, but now I have been sleeping a full 8 hours, sometimes a little more. I think in time this alone will really help with my healing, but for now, it’s not so noticeable. I see my doctor again tomorrow to follow up, she is very caring and competenant.

I wanted to update you as well on something new. Recently, the man I wrote this post about (https://tinybuddha.com/topic/he-doesnt-feel-a-spark/) has reached out to me and we have been in regular contact. To give him credit, he followed up with me after I made the original post, but as he was resolved in his decision not to pursue a romantic relationship with me, I didn’t feel it necessary to continue to post about him. He did mention that he missed me a lot as a friend and someone to talk to, so I accepted his apology for how he handled the situation with me (telling me he’d like to take a month off our ‘relationship’ at the time to see how he felt, when really he was beginning a new relationship with someone else), and agreed to being friends. He has been with the partner he started to see after me, and he told me now has a 6-month old baby. I am happy for him, and have enjoyed talking with him as we have always had great conversations, but I wonder now if it is counterproductive/unhealthy for me.

I had a vivid, very realistic dream with him in it, and in my dream his partner was not comfortable with us speaking and yet he continued to anyway and we even started to become more romantic in nature with one another. I don’t foresee this happening at all in real life (I get the impression he is very happy in his current relationship and is honest about only missing me as a friend/someone to talk to), yet it made me wonder if maybe it’s creating a longing for me that is not healthy. Last night and today I have found myself thinking back to the past (I can’t believe that it’s been 3 years ago), on how my current diagnosis of Bipolar II probably impacted this past ‘relationship’ too. It’s hard not to wonder what could have been had I gotten the help that I needed sooner, but I’m trying to practice what we spoke about and using compassion and empathy for myself rather than beating myself up over what happened 3 years ago. I’m also trying to tell myself that it’s possible that it wasn’t my issues that stamped out this relationship from blossoming into something real, and perhaps he simply wasn’t that in to me even if I had behaved better. I’ve thought about asking him about this now that he’s so open to talking, but I wonder if a) it doesn’t really matter, b) he might not even know, and c) it might open up a topic that might be inappropriate.

Also, I feel like it’s hard not to feel envious of him and his partner. His baby is adorable, and he told me that his partner is truly his best friend. It makes me sad that I’ve wanted that for as long as I can remember, yet it still seems so out of reach for me while I have watched most of my past partners, friends, and family members find what has been so elusive to me. I worry that now that I finally seem aware and able to pursue romantic relationships in a more healthy manner, that it is too late, that most of the good men are taken. That even years ago when I was in my 20’s it was hard to find good, interesting and reliable men and that it will only be harder in my 30’s. I’m finding it hard not to revert to old patterns of blaming myself for what transpired. It seems sort of evidence to me that if this man still enjoys talking to me 3 years after dating one another, that he probably was interested in me and it was my behaviour that drove him away.

Anyway, I thought I’d keep you updated on that and see what your thoughts are. I hope you’ve had a good week that I’ve been away from this thread!

-L