Dear Ramona:

You shared that he and his family follow a particular religion that you don’t, that he wanted you to convert, but you refused to convert and you refused to have your first child follow his religion. Because of the turmoil, you moved with your child to your own place, without your child’s father.

He then “decided to move in and give the relationship a chance”, still hoping that you will convert to his religion. Time passed, and you had another child with him. There were many arguments, he told you: “I cannot love you fully”, “You are not my ideal”, and “Why are you like this?”. He didn’t value your opinions and feelings. Speaking to him was like “speaking to a brick wall”. When any of his family members or friends said something negative about you, he blamed you for it.

He yelled at you for mistakes like breaking a lamp, or about a piece of tissue paper left on the table. At one point he complained about you having had relationships before him, saying that his ideal woman is a virgin who follows his religion, and you were not a virgin and does not follow his religion. He told you that the house you live in is “his house” because he brings the income, and you don’t, dismissing therefore all the work you do in the house, caring for him and mothering his children.

In the past 3 years, “he decided to get help for the anger issue.. learned that he has ocd.. took meds and tried techniques etc.”, you tried your best to help him improve and “he changed a lot over the last three years”, and the two of you “had many wonderful moments as well.. not all bad”. When the accident happened recently, you thought he would react in a loving way, because things were better in the last three years.

Unfortunately, he reacted angrily to the accident, being concerned for the loss of the car, but not for you. “This got me wondering, does he love me or care about me at all?”- he does not love you when he mistreats you; each and every time he has mistreated you- it was not love or care for you.

“is it okay to be in such relationship? Is it okay to be treated this way?”- no, it is not okay.

You wrote that one of your kids is in high school and the other finished high school: this should make it less difficult for you to separate from this man so that you are no longer exposed to his abuse. I am sorry you have been mistreated by him and that you suffered as much as you have suffered with him. I suggest that you make a plan to separate from him and live in some peace and quiet.

anita