Dear Rob:

This is my best understanding of your situation, given the limited information you provided. You are welcome to correct me where I may be wrong:

During the marriage, when there were problems in your life or in your wife’s life, the two of you did not work as a team to solve those problems together and make your lives better. She tried to work with you as a team when she told you what things she needed you to do: “She told me that I could do the things that she was needing from me then our marriage would in turn change and make her more loving toward me and make her happier”.

She repeatedly tried to communicate with you and to connect with you, to form a team, but when there were problems, when things did not go your way- through no fault of her own- you turned against her by expressing anger at her (instead of working with her, approaching the problems with an attitude of cooperation and patience).

She told you that you “had no reason to give attitude when things were out of her control”- when things went wrong, outside of her control, you gave her an attitude, meaning you expressed anger at her. She told you that “she’s tired of the way (you) make her feel… tired of feeling like she did something wrong and the feeling of being alone”-

– this suggests to me that when things did not go your way, when you were unhappy, frustrated, etc., you turned against your wife angrily, accusing her somehow of causing your unhappiness, accusing her of doing something wrong. Maybe you expressed your anger and accusations passive-aggressively, in tone of voice, in subtle suggestions that she is doing something wrong, that she is the Problem. Maybe when angry you withdrew, giving her the silent treatment.

She told you that she is tired of being alone because although she tried to work with you as a team-of-two, you insisted on remaining separate from her, living an alone-life in the context of sharing a house/ everyday life with her. She tried and tried to communicate with you and connect with you, but she failed again and again, and eventually- she gave up: “she got tired of putting in effort and not receiving anything back”.

When she spent a year in deep depression last year, feeling “alone in a full house”- she realized that the marriage was not working for her, and she suggested to separate.

At first, you were not upset by your wife wanting to separate because, you wrote: “I know I’m bad for her”, and you wrote: “I’ve lost her for good this time… I’m afraid the wounds I’ve caused are too deep for repair”.

In your original post you asked for “advice on what to do”- my suggestions:

1. Keep your the promise you made to her, a promise she thanked you for: “I let her now that I’ll do my best to make this easy for her and that I’ll go about it as any other day but without intimacy. She thanked me for that”.

2. Aim at succeeding where you failed before. You failed at connecting with another person, failed at working with another as a team, with an attitude of cooperation and patience.

Make a change: start connecting and working as a team with your own children, as is appropriate. This will benefit your children, will make you feel better as a father, and your wife will be able to witness that you are capable of connecting patiently with other people, patiently and positively.

You wrote: “I know where I failed as a husband. I didn’t come through on my promises to change and make her feel a connection”- but you can succeed as a father and you can change, and make your children feel a connection with you.

If you try to show your wife that you can change as a husband- that is not likely to work because she already gave up on you as a husband (and that’s why she doesn’t feel sad about separating from you). Your only chance to show her that you can and will change as a husband- is to show her that you changed already as a father.

It will take time for you to change as a father and for her to see and trust that indeed you changed as a father- but you do have the time and opportunity because you and your wife are still sharing the house for a while. Even if/ when the two of you live separately, she will still have the opportunity to witness how differently you interact with the children.

Post again if you’d like.

anita