Dear Rob:

I was in a rush answering you yesterday, so I want to elaborate on my answer. You asked me what I think about your plan to move out. You wrote: “I can’t live in the same home as she moves on with her life. I need to begin my healing process”- so far, your reasoning makes sense to me, I am all for you beginning your healing process.

You went on: “Living with her and not being able to express my love is going to be agony”- living with her and not being able to express your anger may be agony as well, won’t it? I mean, the problem in the marriage was your anger, anger that took away from love. When angry, you did not feel (or express) love to her. I am concerned that you want to move out as an act of anger, to show her, once again, that she is wrong (in wanting to move on with her life).

You wrote earlier: “I know I’m bad for her.. I’m afraid the wounds I’ve caused are too deep to repair”- take responsibility for these two things. Don’t cause her yet another wound, don’t be bad for her yet again by turning against her with anger.

Remember the promise you made to her: “I let her know that I’ll do my best to make this easy for her”, and she thanked you for that. Keep your promise, be good to her this time, make it easy for her.

It is okay for you to move out- but don’t do it angrily, don’t do it with the message that she is doing something wrong and therefore you are angry. After all, she is doing something right and good when separating from a man who has been bad for her, by your own admission.

I still think that my previous advice to you is good, regarding improving your communication and connection with your own children, interacting with them positively and patiently-  so to become a better father, feel better about yourself for it, and she will be able to witness your improvement with them. Treat her positively and patiently as well, no matter how angry or sad you may feel at any one time.

anita