Dear noname:

“my mom still lives with my sister.. I only spent a few days there this time, but I’d like to think my attitude towards them has changed some.. I no longer have any expectations of them changing.. have detached myself from their judgment of me”-

– but the boy that you were, he too said to himself many times, something like: they will never change! I don’t care! I don’t care! The boy that you were detached himself best he could long ago. But he kept caring, he kept hurting. Fast forward, when you visit your mother, father and sister, you are that  boy saying to yourself: they will never change. I don’t care. But you still care, and you still hurt.

“I have zero expectation or desire there any more to cause me suffering (I think)”- I think that you can’t help but have Emotional expectations from them, right underneath the Rational no-expectations.

“I do however have a desire to be loved by others, maybe this is why I suffer?”- yes, because you desire love and your desire is unsatisfied.

“I don’t expect my needs to ever be met at this point so I just looking for a reason to suffer through life like this”- your reason so far was to keep living so that your family (mother, father, sister.. who else?) will not suffer losing you. What is the status on this reason?

anita