Dear noname:

When I figured yesterday, that your emotional challenges are greater than I thought, being these challenges are so pervasive and persistent over the years of our communication, fitting a personality disorder,  I felt very discouraged, as in:  what’s the point of keeping the communication going when I am and have been of no help at all. I will not at all be surprised if you have perceived my sentiment.

This morning I feel differently. In the context of this site, I was always here for you, always replied to you in a timely manner, spent many hours reading and re-reading and putting together posts for you. And I will continue to do so, I will continue to be here for you for as long as this site exists, and for as long as I have access to the internet and am able to think, feel and type.

Of course, I understand your right to no longer post here and I respect it. What I am saying is that on my part, I am here for you, and I want to be here for you. There is more to learn, for me and for you. In regard to future learning about you, I have the advantage over many people in your life because I invested so much time and effort for so long in getting to know you.

I want to quote from your recent post and address each item:

“it does give me anxiety to share so much on this public forum so I think this will probably be it…I’m grateful for my anxiety sometimes.. it can be hard to give something up that has served you so well for so long”- I see no real-life danger for you posting here, and therefore, I don’t see your anxiety serving you well in this context.  In this second year of a global pandemic, only a few days since the attempted coup in Washington DC.. when millions of people fear an unstable, dangerous president, who is going to figure that you are some kind of danger that requires all the work and money that it will take to locate you in real-life? You are safe here.

“I’m grateful for my anxiety sometimes.. it can be hard to give something up that has served you so well for so long, despite the byproduct of suffering”- so far, you haven’t had a choice regarding your anxiety, it is not staying with you because you are grateful for it, and it will not go away if you are no longer thankful for it.

Anxiety = Suffering.  Anxiety is not a byproduct of suffering.

“I was diagnosed with BPD as well. I fit the diagnosis very well”, “It’s helpful to give a name to a set of common symptoms, unfortunately I see other therapists identifying people by their diagnosis instead of as an individual with a unique experience”- no two individuals diagnosed with BPD are identical, each is unique. An example of our many differences is crying: I remember that whenever I felt intense emotional pain and then sensed tears in my eyes, I automatically dissociated and the crying stopped before it started. On the other hand, you often cry for as long as hours. The difference between you and I in regard to crying is extreme.

“I feel like such a fraud most days, I am far from a mentally healthy individual trying to help other mentally unhealthy people. I’m going to figure out another career and get out of therapy as soon as I can, it’s just too hard on me”- I wish you continued the psychotherapist route,  you worked so hard and for so long, riding your bike, enduring the financial challenges of going to school.. so,  no, please don’t abandon this route, adapt to it instead.

Your last sentence in what may be your last post here is: “I’m sure I’ll figure things out eventually and be just fine!”- maybe this sentence is a gift for me. If it is, thank you! But this sentence shows optimism that is not congruent with the noname that I know, the one who so often feels hopeless and pessimistic.

There is much more to you, noname, than a BPD diagnosis, or any other diagnosis. At your core, at this time- and for so many years- you are a boy/ a man who needs to be held in someone’s arms, close to someone’s chest, comforted by someone else’s heart- the steady beating of someone else’s heart calming that anxiety inside you, making it possible for you to breathe as if for the first time, to breathe without fear.

anita