@Sammy

I’ll reply to somethings you wrote…

” I do wonder if I feel the need to cling to the love of his family because it vicariously or indirectly allows me to feel loved by him as he is their son.” – yes, that may be the case.

Holidays are hard. I felt that too. Did you spend them with your family and friends? I did, and they were still really hard.

I’ve never had boyfriends introduce me that much into their family. I missed my ex during holidays a lot. And I don’t understand that bonding and feeling of missing his family, but it may be just because of the reason you wrote.

“He did have an awakening of sorts after I contacted him for closure but in the end I knew based on the many years together it was empty promises and too late…. Maybe deep down I’m still holding onto something and hence by taking bold actions I feel it will speed up the process of fully healing rather than dealing with what I’m actually feeling?… I want to fully heal, that will allow me then to give my all to someone new.”

It seemed to me that you actually maybe had a chance to reconnect with your ex after your talk, and you realized it was empty promises, so you move forward. That is something that was always really hard to me, so I know how hard it is. And the way you don’t rush into something you. I admire that.

I know it’s hard, but you seem to really want to make progress, forget him and move on.. That takes a lot of ocurage. and giving yourself time…

However… “It’s what led me to overindulging in alcohol using it as a crutch and that spiral…I’m not too sure if that’s what may be happening again if I’m being honest, food for thought.”

These worried me.. Are you ok? Does living with your family help?

Me… I have ups and downs. Panic attacks stopped, I’m sleeping well, I have apetite, I don’t have anxiety attacs. But I feel hopeless. I think anxiety is here all the time, just not on surface. And a bit of depression.. maybe a good word would be deep sadness.

Holidays were so hard. I live with my family and I have friends, but I guess that’s not the live I wanted for my 30s and I don’t know if it will ever change. Living alone seems even worse.

Sometimes I ask myself what it’s all worth for.. Going to work, earning money, for what? With pandemic, being home all og the time, most of my friends in relationships going forward, so not really thinking anything will change even with pandemic stops, I’m a bit of hopeless. I know everything can change in a day, but my past experiences are bad, so…

My mom is a big support, and she says she has a feeling everything will go better for me this year, and she has a gut, instinct for this things, so that actually gives me hope (maybe it’s funny.. but it helps).

I had some hard times (sometines feeling lonely, also some fights and problems at home in my family – not me directly invovlved), so I contacted him and he also me a few times… I know it’s not maybe smart but I couldn’t help it. I still do miss him. I also know I want family in future, so it would be better for me to find someone who wants that too, as my ex is too young (me 33, him 25) and doesn’t want it yet.

So we were just talking about our lives, what we do… I think we still do care about each other a lot. I try not to except anthing from that, although I admit I kind of have a wish for him to choose me (like Danny did with B), but I also see it’s not realistic. So, I guess I’m not very proud of contact (I haven’t told anybody) but couldn’t help it either.

I have some good times with friends, but then I feel down when I come home again… I also play piano a lot, it’s something I started after break-up and at first used it as something that allows me to think and past time, but I think I also like it. I still feel like I need something outside to change, and every day is really similar, and not really inspiring.

So I admire Sammy when you say you want to heal.. I feel like I’m still in a way missing my ex, and I don’t know how can that past excpet is someone new comes.. I tend to stay in love in a guy until I meet another. I don’t know if’ that’s just me and my problem, and how to change that.