Hi,

He didn’t have a family back in India.  I knew who his ex wife was.  She also worked at the same hospital as us.  She was actually Indian as well, but not from his caste (tribe I should say), and he married her without telling his parents.  They later found it, this was not accepted at first….they eventually came around…but I believe the relationship was doomed because of that.

A year ago, I had expressed that if he couldn’t be with me for family, then what were we doing….we should have just ended it.  He persisted that we should continue and we would get through it.  Why meet my girls and get close to them?  Why cheat on me, then come to the same hospital I work.  He also said I manipulated him to accept job there…I did not.  I actually said I refused to be part of the decision of where he accepted, because for fear we did not work out…I did not want to be blamed.  I think he always knew we would never work and he just used me to get through a hard time in his life.  Which kills me, because how could I have loved someone so so much and only see good in them…despite the constant roller coaster that was our relationship.  I just always felt bad for him and thought he was depressed or going through a hard time.  Now he seems like a monster to me and I feel so stupid. Why lie?  How can’t someone be so tired of constantly living a lie?

I don’t know how he can see me in the hallways and not feel shamed.  I don’t know how he doesn’t try to avoid me.  I still try to tell myself that maybe he didn’t cheat on me with this girl….although I know he did.  I don’t want to believe it, because I want to believe so badly that he is the person I fell in love with.

I wasted two years of my life with him.  Even since our break up I have went through months of agony, questioning everything…trying to find answers.  Researching ISKON and Hare Krishna.  I have wasted so much time when I should have been focusing on my girls.  I feel pathetic.

Thank you so much for your responses.  I’m doing the best I have in months…but it still sucks.