Hi, Danny!

Yes, I do the same thing – I check in when I have time and then reply to what concerns me.

Yes, since I noticed those inconsistencies in his behaviour, Warning! Warning! was glaring right into my face.

But it is funny. I did my best not to deviate from my intention to treat him no more than a friend. Then he messaged me saying that he could only be “a good friend” probably sensing that I was falling for him.

Also, since we were “friends,” he would tell me things, such as his wife and he leaving for a counselling retreat as a “last-ditch attempt” (his words). Naturally, I didn’t hear from him for two weeks. I told him about my breakup with A. He told me why his marriage had failed (of course, his version). And yes, I could see that the strained relationship with his wife had its toll on him. One day he texted me asking for permission to crash on my floor after a nasty scene that his wife had made. I said sure. I have extra rooms. I had no intention to sleep with him, no-no. Later on he emailed that things had calmed down and he wouldn’t come.

So I couldn’t really say anything about his pulling way. He was nothing but a friend, what kind of objections could I possibly have?

I can only blame him for not staying my friend. And not being such a “good friend” as he wrote he would be.

When he pulled away for the final time in February 2016, I did some research several weeks later and found that (you were right), despite that “last-ditch attempt,” they tried to reconcile one more time. I went through his pictures for the previous years and found out that he had taken his wedding ring four or five times (!) and put it back on five or six. He did take it off again half a year later (and never put on again), but contacted me again only a couple times that autumn asking whether I was still in the area. It did feel as if he was still keeping me in the back of his mind, trying not to lose me out of sight. Then I wrote to him in June 2017 telling him he was special. And then nothing until December 2019.

Actually, it was not as simple as Hi, how are you? He forwarded me a job offer that was a cold call for him, but he thought I might be interested. That is what surprised me. That of all his acquaintances and friends, he still remembered about me two years and half after June 2017!

At the same time, during our active phase, I wished him a happy birthday two times. I even gave him a present, a book, and he was surprised by the coincidence because some buddy of his had been recommending him that book for a long time, and it was not a very often-read book.

He, in turn, never even asked me when my birthday was. Also a red flag for me.

The key is to never wait for anyone, open your heart and you might find better, move forward and if he re enters willingly then entertain any lingering desire if it’s still there. Think about it if he really misses you and has regrets he will do what I did, overcome the fears and change his way by growing up. Act like a real man and show up. Otherwise he probably sent the message in 2019 out of boredom. Don’t message him, that’s my advice.

I agree. This was my train of thought only reinforced by your story. I am not going to contact him of my own accord. If a man wants a woman, he will make sure she is aware of this, correct?

You should never settle if you are not having your needs met. When you do settle for less, then needs always have a way of making their way to the surface. So keep searching but don’t make it your whole purpose. There is more to life than being in a relationship.

I have a funny feeling that once I am in the state of equilibrium (like now), when I am happy and content, no one approaches me as if exactly because I am so happy on my own.

(And when a man does, and I don’t feel the chemistry, I am almost irritated that I have to waste my time and go on a date just because – who knows – maybe I’ll like him (I need to give it a chance, right?), but I never do.)

And when I start wondering what is wrong with me, when anxiety about the future kicks in, when I begin to actively looking for love, I become needy and clinging. When I fall for somebody, I still do my best not to forget my hobbies and other activities, but all my thoughts are elsewhere. And I am afraid that I attract people that are not good for me, who are looking for somebody to save them, to complement them, too.

I feel like Shelbyville also because ‘A’ was my only serious long-term relationship lasting several years.

It is not that I don’t meet men whom I like. Actually, there are many more of those whom I like than dislike. But I can see very few of those whom I like as my partners. To put it plain and simple, I could stand very few men taking me by the hand, not to mention kissing, etc.

Many people feel very beholden to their libido, thinking that their lust is some sort of chemical fairy godmother that predicts sexual and thus romantic compatibility. Don’t fall into that trap.

Well, I have met men for whom I felt that uncontrollable feeling of lust even though my eyes didn’t like what they saw. It goes without saying that it was easy to resist (so it was not really “uncontrollable”), but I did take note of the feeling.

After all liking those who don’t like you has never ended well has it? The betrayal of A. The rejection by B. So how mutual was it really?

Well, at least it was mutual during the infatuation phase. With A, there definitely was one and a long one, too, but I am not sure what it was for B.

I heard somewhere that men like to “test” women and see their reaction. For instance, one guy started a conversation about works of art representing nudes. I maintained that conversation with ease – I am an educated woman after all! Another guy invited me to a board game in which you were supposed to finish sentences with given phrases. Some were okay, some referred to sexual organs. I didn’t particularly enjoy it. I forgot its name, it is a popular game. Another man on a date mentioned that he would like to sail the ocean with a woman who wouldn’t mind being topless. I said that the sun wasn’t good for breast tissue. The former man was one of those whom I couldn’t stand without apparent reason. The latter was okay as a friend. Haven’t heard from the former, occasionally meet with the latter in the club. ‘B’ said once, after finishing my glass of wine after me to learn my thoughts, that he would love to see me naked. Honestly, I don’t remember what I answered.

Is it something guys really do to find out whether the woman is a w… or not? Akin to if a man invites a woman over to his place, the woman can expect that he will offer her to sleep with him?