Dear Anita,

she never said she sacrificed her life for us, she never made us feel like she resents us or anything. These are just the words I used, perhaps because I would feel that way. So, I cannot agree with that observation. I cannot speak for my siblings, but I would not feel safer if we were to leave (and they have expressed similar opinions). We would always look back over our shoulders, afraid when he’ll come and do something stupid. We would have to hide and live in even greater fear. This was never the easier route. The country I live in does not do anything for women in my mother’s position. I know of so many cases like this, my friends also grew up in families where their fathers were abusive, yet the law did nothing, even when things got physical. It is always the women who lose. It would be even greater hell for us to go through years of custody battles, any kind of court matters, etc. The situation is not as black and white. Thankfully, my father has never been physically abusive, he’s all talk, and as I’ve said, things have calmed down over the last few years. No threats or major outbursts. He has shown regret and is trying. We stood up against him and let him know that his treatment is not okay. I don’t expect he will change completely, that is unrealistic since he has his own trauma. He had a major health scare a few years ago and that is when he started to take everything more seriously. My mother, my siblings and I are forgiving if a person is making an effort to change. What this has to do with my school bully is the fact that I have told her her treatment is not okay and she continued to do it – she chose to hurt me futher even more, deliberately. She did not take my feelings of hurt into account, instead, she used them to hurt me even more, she basked in my mysery. Despite my father and her having similar traits, there is one major difference – he is trying, she did not. That is why it is easier to be forgiving towards my father and so difficult to even try to forgive her.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 10 months ago by Janet.