I’d say that describes the turmoil I feel pretty well. Loneliness, shame, anger, and frustration with my self is the soundtrack to my life on repeat it feels like. Right now the hardest part is the loneliness. Anytime I’m alone for more than an hour or two with no way to distract myself the despair sets in.

I spent most of yesterday crying. The loneliness hurts so much. I’m not shaming myself (as much) this time around, because I know if the world wasn’t on pause I would be making some kind of efforts to build community for myself. At the same time as I cried alone last night I thought about calling someone, but I just didn’t feel comfortable reaching out to anyone. I guess I am still ashamed, thinking I should be able to figure out a cure to my loneliness on my own which makes no sense at all, it has to involve others.

I got on a dating app this week. I texted someone back and forth for a few days, then just deleted it yesterday. Even if I did connect with someone over electronic communication, I won’t get to meet them because of covid and the cold weather. The hopelessness is setting in and I see no relief on the way. It doesn’t feel like I can just think my way out of feeling lonely. I’m still searching for good reasons to keep suffering through life. I haven’t had a hug in over a month and I don’t know when the next one is coming. I need hope.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 10 months ago by noname.