Trustagain,

Thanks for taking the time to read my “journal” and I appreciate your comments.  And I know you’re right. If I think about her actions in the weeks before we broke up, she was pulling away from me.  It’s painful looking back – almost too painful at the moment because there are some harsh truths to accept.

I know that I could have done more but try to tell myself I did what was right for me at the time.  But I sincerely believe that these were her issues and I was naive enough to start something with somebody more broken than I am. I believed I couldn’t get badly hurt again after what happened with my ex.  I thought I was too strong when actually I neglected to really work on myself before getting involved again.

I mentioned her ex husband who she had serious drug problems with and struggled for years with. She threw him out eventually.  He’s still an addict. They split up years ago. He was abusive and controlling and he stalked her.  Yet they were friends when I met her and I was concerned that their boundaries were far weaker than I’d expect.  I nearly split up with her because of it after the first few weeks, but then chose to overlook this red flag.  I think this was a mistake.  I feel so sure that things changed when he moved in with his girlfriend.  She was hurting, grieving, but said she didn’t understand why and didn’t know if it was because of him.  She wouldn’t open up to me.  I think it’s very telling now.

I wrote out an email last night to her, pointing out how she’d been vague and asking for closure, however painful it was. But I haven’t sent it.  I agree with you – I need to try and accept it now and let go.  It’s in my power to do so.  For some reason it was a bad weekend.  A bit of a relapse.  Crying, longing thinking about her 24/7.  I’m back at work today and my kids come home later for a week.  Hopefully I’ll be a lot stronger.