Dear Anita,

Last night was a hot mess but in a good way. We went out for drinks and dinner and we were talking about self-esteem issues. Eventually I steered the conversation to us and if she saw a future with us. I feared what I thought was true, as she looked down at the table, and said that she didn’t see anything long-term with me. We chatted for about 45-mins, and I actually cried at times and she grabbed my hand a few times to hold it. (The drinks had tequila so that certainly made things tougher for me to conceal, which is a good thing.)

I had a rather restless, sleepless night after I dropped her off, so I called her this morning before work. We chatted for about 30-minutes. I said that there is something about her that I rarely feel for another woman, but that I need to cut the strings that I was building towards something more. I said that want to be her friend, to which she expressed relief, but that it’s going to take time for me to adjust. I asked her if there was anything specific about me that caused her to know that I wasn’t a long-term partner. She said that there was nothing specific, but she just knew that I wasn’t a life partner for her. She had been married before for a few years and realized it after it was too late, and didn’t want to repeat that experience–even though they remain close friends.

She did thank me for opening up and actually talking to her about this. She said that with her past experiences in relationships, her partner often does not react in a mature, respectful manner–which is what caused her some trepidation in approaching me about her feelings–and that she was relieved that we could talk like adults. She also said that our relationship helped her realize what she wants and deserves in a relationship: That there exist better caliber men in this world and that she needs to wait for me and not accept anything less.

Does it still sting? Obviously. At the same time, I have been in her shoes so many times, so this allows me to empathize more with the women I often waited too long to tell them I did not see a future together. Also, it’s better that we talked now before either time went by and I became more frustrated with the relationship, or sex possibly happened, and this caused her to form an attachment that she regretted.

And as I said before, while she is a beautiful person with a remarkably beautiful soul, who is wise beyond her years, there were red flags that I tried to ignore: The smoking/vaping, the excessive drinking, and whatever “rotten pieces” she said that she fears sharing with me. I took wanted a love story but this was not to be.