Dear Jenny:

“I had the choice to choose my reaction.. I could have disengaged and left”- at the time, you were not emotionally healthy enough and therefore unable to leave him.

You shared that so far in life, your highest priority, secondary to career and hobbies, has been your social life/ relationships with “family and partner and loved ones, especially in a relationship.. the man being a constant.. no matter what I do”. You listed comments people made to you on the matter and asked me, “are these statements true?”. My answers:

1. “Never make a man your entire world”- false, from time to time, it is okay to make a man your entire world (when he needs you most to be there for him and with him), just as it is okay for the man to make a woman his entire world, from time to time.

2. “don’t lose yourself in relationships”- false in regard to a woman who regularly loses herself in relationships, and if “yourself” means a strong sense of self. A woman who regularly loses herself in relationships does not have a strong sense to begin with, therefore, she cannot lose what she did not have before. What often happens is that within a relationship, a woman with little sense of self, loses much of that little.

3. “one shouldn’t make any person their whole life”- generally true, there are time- limited exceptions (see #1)

4. “let a man pursue you in life, always”- may be true in a very structured, traditional society that strongly frowns on women pursuing a man, but not otherwise. (Often “always” and “never” make a statement false because of exceptions).

5. “relations are only a part of life and not life”- false if the suggestion is that relations are a small part of life. Relationships are a huge part of human life because humans are social animals by nature. The balance between Self and Society is a delicate one: a person has to take care of herself in the context of relationships, to give to the other person and to take from the other person fairly, in ways that benefit both parties.

6. “relations are 1%, the rest 99% has to be you and your own growth”- true only if a relationship is unhealthy and there is no way to make it 0% of your life. This statement is false if it suggests that emotional growth can happen in 99% solitude: people grow and heal emotionally within the context of healthy relationships, not Alone.

7. “a girl should always marry a man who loves her more than she loves him”- true if the woman wants a marriage based on Power (she wins- he loses). False, if a woman wants a marriage based on Love (she wins-he wins).

8. “if you’re always available for anyone, they don’t value you”- may be true or false, depending on the quality of the the interactions an available person has with others.

9. “Jenny you give too much importance to your loved ones”- true, finally there is a statement I agree with whole heartedly and whole mindedly in regard to your mother and father: it is time to take them and their marriage off the pedestal you had  them on for so long.

You asked: “Should relationships, your family, your partner not be the most important thing in your life?”, my answer: if a relationships is a win-win, it should be important in your life, if it is win-lose, it should not be part of your life. But in regard to family, particularly your parents, you are likely to confuse a good feeling with a win. Just because, for example, you feel good around your mother in a particular evening, does not mean that the interaction with her that evening was a win for you.

anita