Dear ConfusedinCali:

In the example you gave, a co-worker (I’ll refer to her as CW1) told you that she reported another co-worker (CW2) to the supervisor for something that CW2 did wrong. The moment you heard it, thoughts occurred in your brain, something like: it is wrong to tell someone in authority about something that a peer (someone in equal position) did, aka to rat on someone. What CW1 did was wrong!  Quickly, you felt anger at CW1, who you believed did something wrong, and you “immediately went to combative mode” and told her that she shouldn’t have gone to the supervisor.

CW1 then explained to you that she reported CW2 for a safety issue (and therefore it was not the wrong thing to do), but “for some reason I wasn’t hearing it”, you wrote. You didn’t hear it because you were “hearing” your own thoughts over her words. You were moved by your anger, motivated to do what is right: to confront CW1 over the wrong that she did so to prevent such wrong in the future.

“her logic didn’t hit me until later that night when I was home”- later, when you were tired, too tired to feel the anger that earlier kept you hearing your own thoughts over her words, you finally heard what she told you.

Did I describe what happened accurately?

If I did, then become aware of the process of hearing a person-> hearing your own thoughts over the voice of the person-> believing a wrong was done-> feeling angry-> fighting against that wrong.

And resolve instead, to hear a person-> hear your own thoughts (it will happen automatically)-> notice that you are no longer hearing the person, notice any anger you may feel and what the anger is about (take a time out if you feel confused and return to the person later) -> re-focus on the person in front of you-> ask the person to repeat what she/he said and/or to explain what happened and her motivation.

In the example you gave, if after hearing CW1, you still suspected that she did something that was wrong to do, you could ask her: wasn’t it wrong to get CW2 into trouble with the supervisor, shouldn’t we co-workers bond and not rat each other to the supervisor? Then listen to her answer and take it from there.

In other words (1) instead of running with an assumption, check the assumption before you run. (2) if you are too confused and emotional to do so, take a break, calm down and return to the situation when you are ready to proceed.

anita

• This reply was modified 3 years, 10 months ago by .