Dear Jenny:

“Don’t judge me Anita”- no worries, I am not judging you. Instead of judging you, I will try to understand you better in this post. In the following I will be thinking as I type, so as I write one sentence or one paragraph, I do not know what the next will be.

You wrote: “I feel as if all the hard work that I’d done in the last one year, all the ‘let the silence do the talking, everything, I just blew everything apart and I feel like an utter failure.. I have failed”- I am thinking that your goal with R all along was to turn him into that Fairytale Man in the Fairytale Love Story you wanted for so long. The goal of the one year of silence and “everything” was to turn this man into the Fairytale Man you want him to be. You indeed failed to materialize this goal.

In other words, your goal has not been to end the relationship with this man (“Don’t WANT to completely let go of the ex” is the title or your thread). Therefore, you didn’t fail at ending a relationship  with him because it was not your goal.

You shared in this recent post that in the last couple of days, he called you repeatedly, you finally answered, “said NO”, he then ended the call. Next, you sent him a very long message, sounding “so emotional and vulnerable by that text”, the next day you recorded a message for him via social media. He didn’t listen to it the whole day, you then deleted it and in the evening he sent you a message: “you’re such a child. Goodbye” and blocked you on social media. You then called him three times in a row and he disconnected your call every time, and then you changed your number.

“As if I’ve been the one after him all this year when he was the one that kept calling”- you WANTED him, big letter, big want (I am referring to the title of your thread). In a way, you were the one after him this whole year.. silently after him.

“to think that I was thinking all this while that my silence will make him realise something someday”- I think that the something you wanted him to realise has been that you are his Fairytale Girl, that he is your Fairytale man and that your story is a Fairytale Love Story.

“While I know that this has been brutal enough and I’d never go down that path again”- I have no reason to believe that you will not reach out to him again, or that he will not unblock you from social media and start the ball rolling again (rolling in circles, going nowhere).

“I’d hoped for a more graceful end from my side”- the graceful end you were hoping for, I believe, is what is at the end of fairytale love stories: “and they lived happily ever after. The End.”

Jenny, I think that there will be no end to the story with him until you WANT it to end.

You wrote about this story/ relation in Sept 2, 2020: “this was a very important relation to me, my first and if I let go completely, I will be invalidating it… I don’t want to be completely happy because it would mean the relation is no longer relevant and important and is meaningless”.  I will paraphrased the sentences I just quoted:  This is my Fairytale, and if I let it go, there is no Fairytale for me… I can’t be happy unless my Fairytale comes true and I am living in it happily ever after.

Let’s look at the Fairytale you WANT: “the most beautiful relationship that I have ever seen.. childhood sweethearts, each other’s first.. Mom is very loving but dad is absolutely next level amazing… I have always idealized their relationship.. I have always found their love very pure and the fact that they have been each other’s only partners really special and have wanted the same always.. they’ve a really cinematic love story”, Sept 4, 2020.

If you poke a hole big enough in this cinematic love story aka Fairytale, the Fairytale will deflate and you will no longer want that it for yourself.

If you would like to do so, elaborate on the “nasty fights.. mostly about mom being upset about something and talking about it for maybe 2-3 days”: what did she say (and do as she said it), how did she sound like. Don’t summarize her arguments.. just type away everything you remember her saying.

One more thing: who was she talking to for 2-3 days at a time (to you, to your father, to both?), and how did her listeners react to her talking and talking.. and talking?

anita

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