I honestly have Anita. Yes, I have had issues with what mom said during my childhood and yes I have self-worth issues and so feel that not everyone likes me but I do feel as if there are some people in life, very few but I do feel that there are some who do really like me and who will face an irreparable loss without me. I know two of my girlfriends will, I know both my parents will because in the current times they say it so many times and show it in action.

This man Anita, trust me Anita, the way he’s made me feel like a dirty cloth, no one has. When he wants me, he is very sweet and loving, as he was all this year when he wanted me to talk, but then something switches and he will just cut me like he did by blocking me and stuff ,making me feel like filth. I mean he has made me feel like such an argumentative, crying, weak woman. And now he’s calling me a child as if I am some immature person that needs growing up. He gets to me really bad Anita. And he matters because I spent so many years loving him and trying to get it back from him, because he intermittently gave me affection. I know there are deep-rooted self-worth issues to solve but what about this guy, someone that I was with for so long thinks I am immature, the person that was supposed to love me and at least feel bad about hurting me like a normal human being would, is calling me immature. Why? For losing it one day and calling him, sending him and then deleting a message that he saw but didn’t listen to for more that 10 hours? What kind of a person that has been showing a girl he loves her for a year will not care to listen to a voice recording that she has sent for hours when he has seen it and not answer her calls when he has begged to speak to her for a year. What about the year long calling that he did, was it all just for an ego-boost, to soothe an ego that I wasn’t catering to but now did by apparently finally losing emotional control and calling him? How could I love him? More so, is he really just this? He has friends that like him, he has a family, so he is not some isolated sociopath so how can he behave like this with me? I mean you call me more than a 100 times, all throughout the year and when I finally call you and send you something, you disregard it? I just didn’t want to lose respect in front of such a man Anita. I didn’t want to put myself in a place where he could again insult me by ignoring my message and disconnecting my calls. I just wanted him to regret losing me. I honestly do not, just do not have that feeling for anyone else Anita. I can see my mother’s flaws but also see that there is love somewhere, I can see my friends have love, with this man, he was all over me, crying and begging for me until a week ago, calling me and begging me to answer his calls, I didn’t call him names or immature then, and one day when I call him a couple times, the same man calls me immature and blocks me? What was all of this then, some game?

I just wanted to be a high value woman Anita after he left, after I had been that for an entire year and I could see, I could see that while he is incapable of any genuine regret, I could see that he is feeling my loss. And I wanted him to feel as if He lost me, wanted him to see me as the one that got away, the one that he lost because he screwed up, not feel as if I am some immature girl that he can’t imagine how he was pursuing for a year and who he is happy to be rid of, which is what I feel he must be thinking now.

But I realise now what’s done is done, I can’t change it. But I can learn and be better for myself hereon, that’s all I can do really, and I will. I realise that but I just feel as if I let myself down

– Jenny