Hello Anita,

Thank you so much for taking the time to write this post and look into my previous comments to have a better understanding of what I say and write. I truly appreciate it.

What you wrote is very interesting. I never thought the reason why i was so interested in her was because i wanted to see myself through her…it makes so much sense now.

To be honest, the moment we met, she told me she was abused as a child. I never questioned how, and first thought maybe it was sexual abuse. And thats one of the reasons why I was feeling very guilty for not wanting to talk to her much during the retreat-because i could see she was deeply disturbed and needs professional help.  Later forced myself to for 2 reasons-to learn to be more open and find out about the nature of this abuse.  From my deductions later I realised her mom was depressed and i think she used to hit her as a kid until she turned 15.

What is really interesting about what you wrote Anita, and what made me really think as i already had a feeling about this- you are right, I am disturbed and have conflicts within me too but much less than her and through her I had a glimpse into my childhood trauma. The truth is my mom hit me a couple of times too when I was 13-14. I was an extremely rebellious child, I was damaging my health, was unmanageable at times, but I KNOW what she did was wrong. She shouldn’t have dealt with it that way. My mom was also a strict mother. This whole thing had an impact on my sister too, she was really scared of my mom. Of-course I know what my mother did was utterly wrong, and this is not me justifying her behaviour- but I am also intelligent enough to know and feel that at the same time she loves her children more than ANYTHING and ANYONE in the world. She gave everything to us, she constantly sacrificed herself, her wellbeing and her health for us. She was violent at times, yes, but her 30 and 40 year old self lived through extremely difficult times emotionally, financially and she had a very difficult life unfortunately. So even though I was a sensitive child and was affected by how she handled my teen self,  I forgave her long long ago because I know nobody will ever love me as much as my mother does.

Now back to the girl and her mother trauma which is much deeper than mine, I realised through knowing her so closely what is behind all her current and imagined problems in life- she never felt loved by her mother. So she goes around causing more trouble and disturbance to others and says everything is love. She imagines this guy is the only person who loved her and clings to him for the life of hers, she even said if she owes being non binary to her trauma-she is thankful. I think even her whole gender confusion started because her mom was never motherly or has much feminine qualities.

The difference between us is that I had much milder version of childhood trauma and I knew and still know very well my mom loved and protected me. She never had that-this is what caused my heart bleed for her, because I understand this is the worst kind of pain in life, when you know your own mother didn’t want you or love you. The conflict within me is that she often made me angry too as her behaviour is full of really obvious and subtle contradictions that I don’t dare to talk about.

Another disturbing thing about her and the fact that she cant differentiate between pain or silly things and how she processes difficulties- she feels attacked by things, becomes a “victim”, really suffers, then she says she lets go and is thankful-and everything is love. She did this to me and others multiple times. so i saw this pattern of disturbing behaviour. For example, during our retreat she was the only person who drove to a wrong location because she never bothered to check in with organisers (as she explained later-this is because she trusts everyone), she arrived really tired and exhausted. We were sharing a room which was super overheated at night, and I opened the window at night. She woke up in the morning crying and suffering. i asked her if she was ok, even though we were supposed to keep silence. She didn’t say anything to me, continued crying. Fast forward to the end of our retreat she messages me- “you really helped her and I am thankful for that.” I thought this was because i listened to her for hours talk. Turns out I helped her by “making it difficult for her” and making the room cold at night. thanks to this she suffered as she was so tired because of this next day as she couldn’t sleep. but was able to let go and she is thankful. Surely, this is not normal. Instead of seeing the truth of what happened-that she drove to the wrong location, didn’t bother getting right information, didn’t talk to me or close the window herself, she chose to “suffer”, be a victim and then “let go” and be “thankful”. Oh and everything is love.

I have seen this kind of patterns a lot in her and my reactions were always anger and then disappointment in her and myself. We stopped talking naturally thankfully.  I just could no longer be her silent audience and when she asked me why I wouldn’t be comfortable sharing my partner or be in open relationship, i told her why I dont think this is ok for me. Also, in our group chat, she messaged, she feels disconnected from group conversations, which were actually quite interesting to most- questions of free will, life, music, sports, carpets, art, etc. The truth is she was only interested in discussing trans topics and documentaries, not much else.

But I have a feeling she will contact me again in the future, and i want to have a way to be able not to engage too much with her. I don’t believe in just blocking or ignoring people. She definitely has no guilt of doing it to others, but I am not that kind of person. So hopefully I will be able to deal with it if she contacts me again.

Back to me and why this whole affair touched me on so many different levels. Relationships are best ways to learn about ourselves, they are true mirrors where we see ourselves. Through this relationship, i think i was able to glimpse into my own issues. You mentioned in the other posts, you had an OCD as a kid too and you are over it. How did you get over it?

The problem is my therapy will start in 3 months time ( it is free and i am on the waiting list). And there are so many things and traumas that could have led to my OCD issues in my childhood. I was born in the Soviet Union and until i was about 12 were quite difficult and violent times for my country/people and obviously my family. There were people dying, kids disappearing, my people were through a genocide. At school, when I was a kid there were teaching us of violence and wars committed to us as part of our history. I saw graphic and violent images that no kid should see. Then as a kid, i had a lot of accidents (dislocated my shoulder, bit on a glass, fell down the stairs, etc.) My parents loved and protected me beyond possible. But they were affected by these difficult times themselves, there were days when we had no money for bread, for example. I never acknowledged this but so many things that shaped me happened at my childhood. My huge fortune and gratitude was that I know I was deeply loved and wanted as a child. This is what helped me get through it.

But I still would like to know whats that fear. I noticed i cant watch violent news, horror movies or deeply psychological thrillers. I am really sensitive to it. For example, the other day i read in the news how Uyghur people in China are behind subjected to horrific crimes and how one survivor was talking about what they do to women in concentration camps. I read this article and I couldn’t sleep properly that night. It disturbed me so much. Intrusive images I have are violent in nature. Maybe it is somehow connected to my sensitivity to violence.

My OCD takes many forms and it has been part of me since i was a kid. Hair picking, hand washing, sanitising, negative thinking patterns and now rarely and sometimes violent images. It is manageable, but i would like to face it. i am ready for it now.

How did you overcome your OCD?

Thank you so much for all your help, Anita!