Dear Neverdyed,

Thanks for your welcome! And for replying and clarifying.

You say: “I checked it before and found that I might have an anxious attachment style or so, haha. I did open up to a degree long time ago, but it’s not appreciated, so to protect myself from being hurt again, I’ve chosen to share far less now.”

You’re right, you’re not avoiding closeness. In fact, you would appreciate it, but you’re discouraged by him not welcoming it, so you withdraw into your shell, not sharing much about what’s going on inside of you. You’re kind of pretending that you don’t care, or at least not that much, although you do.

You did tell him once “I don’t need on and off contacts”, but he didn’t see any problem with that, even claiming it wouldn’t be healthy to talk every day. He also said that if he doesn’t reply for a week or so, it doesn’t mean he doesn’t care. That’s a spin, because in reality, if we care about someone romantically, we want to be in touch frequently. So you did express your need, which is a good thing, but he brushed it off and then you’ve withdrawn. You haven’t expressed your need again, except passively, by being cold and reserved.

You say you behave like that because of your pride (I don’t want to be seen as “oh, I’m so interested in you”. I recalled the other day that I once told him something like “I care too much about my pride, so even if I want something, I wouldn’t say it”.) Actually I don’t think it’s pride, rather it’s fear of getting hurt and humiliated if you admit how much he means to you. You fear rejection if you express yourself, express your need and make yourself vulnerable. So you say a little bit, you peak out of your shell, and then you go right back since you weren’t welcomed with open arms.

A part of the reason could be because your mother used to criticize your singing. You showed yourself, i.e. made yourself vulnerable, and she ridiculed it, or something to that effect?

She also told you were self-centered:

“I think I might be self-centered in my childhood, and now I still am somewhat so, just when I was with him or another friend, I believe that I usually put their needs first.”

I don’t know at what age she started telling you that, but a child is naturally self-centered. Children want their needs to be met first, they want their toys, they’re all about “it’s mine, give it to me!” It’s a natural child’s instinct, but if it’s constantly put down and criticized by their parents, the child later won’t be able to express their needs and stand up for themselves.

You’ve mentioned multiple times that you don’t want to be selfish with your boyfriend, even though what you hoped for from him wasn’t selfish at all. It was normal to expect in a loving relationship. But he told you it was selfish, or unhealthy (you said he judged you when you demanded more contact.) So I think there’s a connection there: he’s judged you as being selfish, similarly to how your mother judged you. And it was simply for expressing your legitimate needs. You’re not selfish at all, you just want what’s rightfully yours.

“when I was with him or another friend, I believe that I usually put their needs first.”

Yes, because you suppress your own needs, even if they are legitimate.

Think about that. You were never selfish, you were told you’re selfish, which is not true. You have the right to demand certain things for yourself. You have the right to express your needs.