Dear Ryan:

I closed a window on my computer, by accident, and lost a post I was almost ready to send you, a post on which I worked for over four hours.

I will not repeat that work, which included retyping of what you shared on this thread, including in your most recent posts. What I will do is repeat from memory my conclusions and suggestions at the end of the lost post, paraphrased:

1. About Communication: that almost 20,000 words, stream of consciousness email that you sent her, the one you ended with letting her know that a reply is not needed- that was a communication blunder. In the context of psychotherapy this could be a useful exercise,  but it is not appropriate in the context of a personal relationship. To effectively communicate with a person in a personal relationship, keep a message short and focused, so that it is not so difficult to read and process, and do not suggest that the person receiving the message needs not reply- the whole point of effective communication is to receive a reply.

Plus, you waited for her to reply even though you wrote that she needs not reply, so there was a dishonest factor there.

2. About Judgment: you judged her for a lot of things, examples: abusing alcohol, having used cocaine, having dated a man who was a meth addict, having had a failed marriage, having an alcoholic father, having a bi-polar mother, having been crude in her language, most recently. She may have sensed your judgments of her and distanced herself from you because of your judgments.

The fact that you also told her a lot of positive things about herself does not undo/neutralize the negative judgments.

These judgments also have kept you distanced from her, and/ or ready to distant yourself from her at any time.

3. About being Damaged, , being a Savior,  and the ability to carry on an Intimate Relationship: I don’t think that she is more damaged than you are (except for damage caused by some of her practices that you do not practice, such as vaping). I don’t think that you are capable of being her savior any more than she is capable of being your savior, and I don’t think that there is any evidence that you are more capable than her to engage in an intimate, long-term relationship. After all, you haven’t had an intimate, long-term relationship yet, in your45 years of life.

4. Her age and age-gap: Before your most recent posts, I was under the impression that she is in her early 30s. I was surprised to read recently that she  is in her mid-twenties, only about six years removed from being a teenager. The gap between a 25 year old woman and a 45 year old man is much greater than, let’s say a 35 year old woman and a 55 year old man. It has to do with the number of years one is removed from one’s childhood. You referred to her as an “old soul”, but a 25 year old woman has not started to physically age yet.

5. Childhood experience Projected in Adulthood: as I retyped your words earlier, I was strongly impressed by how, in the context of your interactions/ relationship with this young woman, you were re-experiencing your childhood experience with your mother: your feelings that this young woman had her walls up and did not let you see her real/ whole self, who did not let you in.. that’s the same experience you had with your mother. This early life experience needs to be explored in therapy, so that you no longer project it as an adult into relationships with women.

anita