Dear Laelithia:

I understand the seriousness of your situation.

(1) Try to not be hard on yourself for this unplanned pregnancy event- there are many millions of women, single and married, who got pregnant when not planning it, and at younger ages than you. The fact that you got to be 32 before your first unplanned pregnancy is quite an accomplishment, so to speak.

(2) “I am terrified with my tendency to regret and focus on the past, that I will be unhappy in the future with whatever decision I make… I also see the potential for future regret, guilt, and shame in ending the pregnancy now”-

– I believe that you will indeed regret it if you maintain the pregnancy and if you end it; if you maintain the relationship with B, or if you end it- no matter what decisions you make, you will regret these decisions, not potentially, but surely. This means that (the certainty of) regret should not be a factor in your decision making. You will have to endure and manage regret no matter what you choose.

(3) Like you, I am pro-choice. I am not religious. My background is science. Abortion is a highly charged religious and political issue and many pro-lifers are very, very passionate on the matter. In a passionate pro-lifer’s mind, recommending an abortion (at any stage of pregnancy, no matter how early) is the same as recommending murder. If I recommend that you choose an abortion on a public forum, and a passionate pro-lifer reads my recommendation, it will be very, very unpleasant for me.

(4) Even a science oriented, non-religious person like me is still drawn to the “and they lived happily ever after” ending of stories, and part of me wants you to settle with B, have his child or children and live happily ever after.

(5) It is my experience, including reading many stories in these forums, that having a baby with a man does not resolve the woman’s (or man’s) emotional and relationship issues that existed before the pregnancy.

(6) Having communicated with you for as long as I have, and having gotten to know you- I don’t think that the relationship with B is likely to work out: you simply need freedom too desperately. If you live with him, you are likely to panic and want OUT ASAP- this is my prediction/ my understanding. In congruence with #5 above, having a baby with him and living with him will make no difference in what I predict to be your panic and desire to get out of the relationship quickly.

(7) Having your mental health on my mind, I think that you need to… (you tell me and I will give you my vote on what you think is the right thing for you to do).

anita