Dear Peace,

now it’s getting clearer to me why you were so unhappy in childhood – your mother was too busy with various chores and was a type of person who didn’t say much. It seems like she didn’t ask you too many questions either, e.g. she didn’t inquire how was school, or what’s up, neither did she notice if you felt disturbed or sad about something. Probably that’s why you never had the urge to go to her to complain or confide in her when you had a problem. You didn’t tell her about your period either, neither did you dare to mention the sexual abuse when it happened to you. You had to carry a very big burden by yourself, and it appears that your mother didn’t show too much interest in you and your feelings. Although she didn’t criticize you, she was actually emotionally distant – it was a sort of emotional neglect.

This probably happens quite frequently in big families like yours, but still, you didn’t get the care, attention and protection (and guidance) a child should get. I can imagine you didn’t feel important enough to even bother your mother (or your father) with your problems, did you? You didn’t feel seen and you didn’t feel worthy to be seen either. And this is why you prayed to God to die, it was so unbearable for you.

To be honest, when you first told about your parents – that they were loving and haven’t criticized you – I didn’t understand how come then you had such a hard time as a child. But now I understand – it wasn’t emotional abuse, but emotional neglect. Perhaps if you had been more demanding, your mother would have paid more attention to you. But you were sensitive, you rather withdrew and suffered in silence, because you believed you don’t have the right to demand attention.

All this explains why you’re longing for attention now – you are longing for someone to see you and “mirror” you, to understand you, to be there for you. You said in one of your earlier posts that you wanted from a man to “take a stand for you” (“i feel like no one will ever accept me as a partner everyone will come to pass their time but none will ever take a stand for me“). Your mother, and it appears your father too, never took a stand for you. Never even asked you how you’re doing and what you’re feeling. Never noticed that you’re hurting. You don’t want to go through the pain alone any more, so you’re looking for a man to be there for you. But until you learn to be there for yourself and soothe yourself, no one will be able to give it from the outside.

I think you should find a counselor to work on the sexual abuse trauma, and also to help you heal emotional neglect. So you can be whole within yourself and be able to soothe yourself, without looking for a man to soothe you (which always ended up badly so far). If I were you, I would focus on my healing, I wouldn’t engage in relationships with men for now, because you always end up hurting afterwards. Try to put aside for now the pressure to get married and the whole issue of being a virgin. You need to first find yourself and own yourself, before you can enter in a healthy relationship with a man.

Once you heal, you’ll be able to attract more balanced and emotionally mature men, who will appreciate you for who you are as a person, in your entirety, and won’t see you as a piece of meat or a piece of hymen, as you said. The process of healing and self-discovery may take a while, even a few years, but it’ll be worth it, because the benefits and consequences will be for a lifetime…

• This reply was modified 3 years, 8 months ago by Tee.