Dear Anamika:

After posting to you last, I realized that I didn’t read through your posts attentively enough and therefore I missed a few things:

“When we met for the first time, he seemed like a good guy-  nice human being, calm and understanding, appreciative of my career goals/ education etc.”- I am now thinking that he may have really been the nice human being, calm and understanding you perceived him t be when you met him.

But then, that nice, calm human being got to experience your anger and disapproval: you were angry that he wasn’t open enough, that he wasn’t talkative enough (“he never knew what to talk about”), that he drank more than you thought he should, that he smoked, that he quit his job, that he didn’t make as much money as other men made, that he wasn’t as ambitious as other men, etc.

After he quit his job, you were angry at him for quitting, and you started chatting online with strange men, “did some sexting at times. My husband got to know about this… I just apologized at the time but for some reason I was not feeling any remorse”- I think that you didn’t feel any remorse because you were angry at him and you wanted him hurt, so when you saw him hurt, you were satisfied, not remorseful.

Later, in the U.S., you compared him unfavorably to your male colleagues, angry again: “I was feeling that anger that why my husband can’t be like them?” Angry, you flirted with a male colleague, telling him that you liked him.

In your recent post, you wrote regarding trying to make your dysfunctional marriage work: “Maybe give it a year or two- work on myself and improve upon my personal issues like anger control, being respectful towards him, supportive towards him”.

I understand better now. I think your anger pre-existed meeting your husband, and I think it is about what you wrote regarding the male colleague you flirted with: “As always I was rejected and it definitely hurt”, and later, “Throughout my life, I was always rejected… I don’t know what love is… never experienced it and looks like never will”-

– I believe that your anger is about having been rejected, having been unloved, as a child and onward. This anger wore your husband down, brought up the worse of him and ruined a possible loving, functional marriage with your husband. Am I correct?

anita