Hi Michelle,

Nice to e-meet you, too! Like TeaK, I’m glad that things seem to be going well for you and that you are experiencing growth and a sense of fulfillment in your current relationship.

One suggestion I have (besides listening to your own intuition and inner voice, since ultimately we’re just strangers on the Internet!) is don’t be afraid to express your needs openly and frequently, even if you perceive your need for reassurance to be “compulsive” or rooted in your anxious tendencies. Anxious and avoidant attachment styles are two sides of the same coin, and in trying to free ourselves from anxious thoughts and behaviors, I’ve found that sometimes it’s easy to swing the opposite way— where we’re overly tolerant of uncertainty and ambiguity in ways that are unhealthy or inauthentic or shy away from having any conversations where we could be perceived as being needy or insecure. It’s ok to give yourself permission to crave security and stability in a relationship if that’s what you want, and to seek confirmation from the other person that they’re on the same page as you, as long as you do so in a calm and measured way that’s not coming from a place of reactivity. That’s the ying and yang, push and pull of relationships—sometimes we do the giving, and sometimes we receive. It’s fine to ask for gestures and words of love and affection and to ask questions that might make the other person uncomfortable, if doing so will help shed light on the true nature of the relationship

I agree that not everything, including relationships, can be put into neat little boxes, but sometimes the issues we’re internally struggling with when it comes to romantic relationships really can be boiled down to fairly simple questions—are we both looking for something long-term and committed? Are we both on the same page about what we feel for each other and where we see this heading, or is one person giving considerably more than the other? Those are the gateway questions in any relationship, even friendships, and usually the rest doesn’t quite fall into place unless both people are in agreement about those basic terms.

Ultimately, I think the real question to figure out is—what do YOU want? Are you looking for a long-term and committed relationship with no expiration date, or are okay with something potentially more fleeting, given the hesitancy your partner has expressed at times around commitment? Rather than focusing on what your partner wants, getting to the root of what YOU truly desire (and don’t desire) may help shed light on how healthy this relationship is for you. It’s fine to be in a relationship that may not be obviously long-term but might develop into something deeper over time as long as you’re honest with yourself that you’re truly fine with this. Sometimes we tell ourselves that we don’t want or need something, when deep down those desires and needs are still there, yearning to be met. And more we tell ourselves “maybe they’ll be met by this person one day,” the more we’re ignoring the current realities that contradict this possibility.

I would also ask yourself: in a relationship, do I need someone who is a good communicator and able to clearly demonstrate and articulate his feelings towards me? Or am I ok with someone who is unable or uncomfortable with verbalizing certain emotions (which can cause me to doubt at times that those emotions even exist?) I know for me, because I’m very much in my head and can be extremely analytical, a deal breaker for me is when a man constantly struggles to communicate his emotions. If someone doesn’t tell me what they’re feeling I tend to go into panic mode, where I start weaving stories and narratives in my head that may or may not be rooted in reality and filling in the gaps of what the other person didn’t say with my own interpretations. Before, I labeled that tendency to analyze as “bad” and tried to convince myself that that tendency prevented me from fully exploring certain relationships (since I’d go into anxious mode and push the person away). But recently, I’ve stopped judging that side of me and have just accepted that I need a partner who is straightforward and emotionally vulnerable, and whose words I can trust at face value. Which may not be the case for everyone; some people are fine with partners that are more reticent and slow to open up, and that’s ok too. It’s ultimately about pinpointing what you truly want and don’t want and deciding whether your current relationship aligns with those desires. If your current partner doesn’t meet them, the reality is that there is someone out there that is, and sometimes our attachment to someone can prevent us from exploring those other possibilities.