It’s been quite some time since I last wrote.

I moved out of home in this time, my interactions with my sister are on the minimum and the guy i dated for last 2.5 years just left me yesterday saying he is unable to make up his mind about marriage and wants me to meet guys as a part of arranged marriage system as approved by my parents.

I tried a lot, so much in fact that I feel drained now. I am here however Anita because I feel really angry. At my sister to have interfered in my life at the first place and also at this guy who said this to me after 2.5 years of me struggling every single day.

Also the common feelings after a breakup have come back, I feel like shit. Everyone says I am perfect woman that everyone wants in their life, yet not one person who isn’t commitment phobic enters my life. Did I do something wrong? I did go crazy in between, I just wanted to end the cycles of dating. I knew the guy was nice, cared for me but when the time came for him to embrace me like I did for him at every step when he had anxiety attacks, when he was struggling with switching companies, with his family, with friends and finances. I helped out everywhere and in return, he became such that he didn’t even bother asking if I was okay or not.

He started behaving in the exact same manner as my ex when he left. He wasn’t ready for marriage although his parents want us to be engaged soon. Even my ex had told me that he wanted to explore more women, have sex with as many women as he could before he made a decision to marry someone. He said the same, he says it is not like it is you or some other woman I want to marry. It is you or my single life. I haven’t been with a lot of women and I want to be with them, he recently revealed that he is addicted to masturbation and did not feel any pleasure whenever we did it. I feel so lost. Everything, all things are suddenly bothering me together.

Do I have an issue with my body or am I not capable of keeping a man in my life. I have been angry very few times with him, When the last posts were written- I was struggling in reality( I had a series of anxiety attacks the entire year till I got hold of them) I still get them but I control them at the initial stages itself.

I have a decent job now. I have two master’s degrees. I can take care of people mentally, also know all the basic things a human should know in order to survive. And yet, I am in this position. I don’t want to settle for a man through an arranged marriage. I always wanted to be swept off my feet like so many of my friends were. They had issues too- they worked them out together and are happy together now.

I tried so hard, was patient, and stuck with him for so long despite the issues around masturbation(he uses webcam services when very aroused during a hangover and would apologize later) I had at first put my foot down but then he pleaded that he knew it was sick and he wanted to get better and not do this. I had to drill down the fact that it is online prostitution to control it a bit. But now, I feel so mentally tired Anita. What do I do? I don’t feel ready to let anyone in ever again.

the weird fact is, not even him. I feel he hurt me so bad and yet did not think once before saying that I should meet the guys my parents are lining up and get married to, if I like any of, them.

Please help me. I am unable to even cry. My mind keeps stopping me saying don’t waste your tears over such people and yet at the same time I have a very heavy heart. I feel mentally abused and drained. My family expects me to give an answer about us as a situation soon as my sister gets married this month so they will focus on me soon. My parents want me to get married by next year and I feel so pressured especially when I have been ditched by the man I thought will be my life partner.

please help me