Dear ninibee:

Fascinating post by TeaK, I did not make that connection before, that your “unrelenting shame” as you termed it, may have its origin so early in your life, having experienced your germophobic mother being repulsed by her baby’s bodily functions. It fits with what you wrote Nov 2, 2019: “From a young age, I can remember hating my mother. I found her repulsive and often outright rejected her”- you may have experienced and reciprocated her repulsion when still a baby. (You mentioned an older brother. If her repulsion of a baby’s bodily functions was intense, I wonder how she was able to bring herself to have a second baby, and I wonder if your older brother expressed similar shame to yours).

Regarding your recent post: “I feel like I am being frustrating.. I am still confused.. my mind goes blank… I am sorry if it feels like you are talking to a wall”-

– Nov 2, 2019, you wrote regarding your Fantasy Mother: “There is an unspoken understanding between her and I, she knows me so well that we do not even need to talk to communicate”-

– Maybe you prefer to not talk, because talking in the past, particularly with your mother, was a very frustrating, unrewarding experience: you expressed yourself honestly and she turned against you. So you prefer to not talk. And when you read my recent longer post to you, you clammed up, maybe angrily.

Back to your Fantasy Mother, Nov 2, 2019, you wrote that you often wish that she would take you home with her, the two of you making dinner together, she sees you, she understands and supports you, she unceasingly cares for you, she “allows space” for you.

If you want to, please answer the following questions:

1) what do you mean by your Fantasy Mother allowing space for you (Nov 2, 2019)

2) “I imagine if I did have a fantasy mother around, I would feel as if I was living my life for her/ she would give my life meaning” (Nov 6, 2019)- can you elaborate on this sentence as much as you can?

anita