Dear lindsey:

Welcome back, lindsey, it just so happens that I thought about you a few days ago!

A recap: you first posted March 2019, over two years ago. At the time you were living in the same house with your estranged husband and two children, ages 6 and 7, and were in the process of separating from him, following him abusing you for six years of the 11 years of marriage.

You shared that you suffered from anxiety, panic attacks, and were diagnosed with a bipolar disorder. You were two weeks away from moving into your own apartment and having joint custody of your children, having them stay with you part time.

At the time of your first post, a 3-month long relationship with M,  a male co-worker, team manager (not your direct manager) ended abruptly, and you were very upset, particularly about his behavior toward you and how you acted desperately,  pursuing him at the beginning and then begging him to not break up with you, at the end.

On April 4, 2019, you moved to your new apartment (“It was really nice waking up by myself and getting ready in peace”, April 4, 2019), but you were soon enough anxious and irritable (“maybe I’m used to chaos and yelling and there is  only silence. I have to take meds each night because around 8 pm the panic really starts”, April 7, 2019).

On April 29 2019, you listed your struggles and needs as a preparation to two appointments, one with a psychiatrist and another with a psychologist: “1. Constant worry that others are talking about me or judging me all the time, 2. Obsessive thoughts and worries… Feeling antsy, claustrophobic in my apartment, not able to sit down and read or nap, 3. Getting hyper focused on one thing- usually a man, 4. Not able to sleep. Waking up several times during the night. Feeling panic around 7 pm.. , 5. Turning a small thing into a catastrophe.., 6. Specific counseling around emotional abuse and sexual coercion, 7. Learning to like/ love myself”.

On May 5 2019, you shared for the first time about another man at work, K, 10 years younger: “He’s younger, only 30. Cute”. You and K became friends, watching Games of Thrones together, and you enjoyed your time with him, hoping for a romantic relationship.

On May 17 2019, you posted: “I’m sleeping through the night without any medication and my anxiety is down about 50%. Everything is going well with K”. Two weeks later, May 30: “Everyday usually around 3-4 pm my anxiety is the worst”. You were anxious about K no longer texting you, waiting for his next text, and the next, being hyper-focused on him. At times you felt calmer, such as when at the pool on weekends, with your kids, or with a friend, and at times when you spent time by yourself.

August 6 2019: “This back and forth with K is very emotionally draining. I saw him this morning and it’s like every time I see him I’m looking for some type of sign from him that like he’s still here, still interested.. I spoke with him this morning and he barely made eye contact and it makes me feel bad about myself. I’m very conflicted, very confused, mostly hurt”.

During September, the dynamic with K continued: you exhibiting an Anxious Attachment Style while he exhibited an Avoidant Attachment Style. Your anxiety was significantly helped at the time by Rules of Behavior that you and I came up with, rules for your behavior that would cut down on your anxiety and overthinking in regard the frequency of him texting you and the content of his texts, which was sometimes flirtatious. The first rule was about you not initiating a text to him, and if he texts you, then you respond with only one text, not sending a 2nd text unless he replies to the first.

September 24 2019,  you had the first out of two divorce mediation sessions regarding finances.  The following October 9, was the second session and you were very stressed before that session.

October 29 2019, you were feeling better: “Continuing to enjoy time to myself more and more… I continue to keep my rules and seem to be getting more and more comfortable with K as a friend without expectations”. But on November 1, you broke one of the rules and messaged K, feeling annoyed with yourself and a bit ashamed.

In November 2019, you filed for your divorce in the courthouse. On the night of November 7 2019, you told K: “I was done and to leave me alone”. November 14 2019, you wrote: “Stopping all communication with K has increased my self esteem and self worth.. Focusing on work and  my kids. We are doing good and ready for the holidays and a cold winter”.

But K reached out to you at work, talked to you and called you. On December 4, he called, and following an ugly conversation, as you termed it, you told him to leave you alone, and blocked him from your phone and social media.

On January 2020, you mentioned a third man, J, whom you dated back in college for a short time. You’ve been communicating with him for a few months, he expressed interest in you and offered twice to fly you to his state, Mississippi, for a visit. You considered it but declined.

On January 14 2020, you wrote: “Things really do come full circle.  On Saturday M texted me asking how I was… I was dumbstruck when I realized who it is. We chatted for a bit, he has a new job in a different state closer to his kids. I did call him  out on his behaviors.. He stated he liked me.. but (he told you) ‘you were volatile and it scared me’… Trying real hard here to stay on track. My close friend feels like he is fishing”.

On January 19 2020, following a couple of months of shopping for a condo, you bought one. On that same night you got a text from your ex-husband saying that he had a girlfriend in the last two months and had her meet your kids when they stayed with him. You were very upset about it for a long time.

On February 1-2, 2020, you shared in regard to having been upset about your ex-husband’s girlfriend: “Apparently looking back, I was having a bit of my bi polar version of mania: reactive, decreased cognitive abilities (concentration, poor attention to detail, over tired, irritable), it happens every 3-4 months I think…I’ve found through research that every person with bipolar has their own unique symptoms. Most also have anxiety, OCD, ADHD, etc. It can be very difficult to diagnose due to overlapping disorders. I do not have any of the classic mania symptoms”. By classic symptoms, you were referring to hallucinations, delusions of grandiosity and euphoria.

You also wrote at the time: “I’m terrified of either losing my job or getting poor ratings… my impulsivity and mood swings are causing havoc to my work and relationships.. I’m sick of the roller coaster ride.. I’m really down and worried I’m going to end up losing my job.. I can’t sustain a sharp mind and attention to detail”.

By March 3 2020, you were still very upset about your ex-husband having a girlfriend, the interactions with him on the topic were hostile, and you did the following: “I had uploaded a dating app awhile ago and was looking on it while I was so angry at my ex”.

March 24, 2020 was your last post on your 58-page previous thread. You wrote to me that you were working from home, that you moved into your condo three days earlier, on March 21 2020, that you were very busy with the move, that you met a man, George, on the dating app a month before, yet to meet him in person. You wrote that he is “pretty amazing so far. A very good man”, and that you felt like “a new person… doing very good”.

Fast forward over a year, to today, April 13, 2021, you shared that you’ve “come a long way and have a long way to go”, that things are currently happening in regard to your ex, and that you feel like you’re “going crazy emotionally with his antics that go on and on all the time with no relief. You invited me/ the reader to ask a question. My question: which ex is it- your ex husband, M, or someone else?

anita