Dear Ishita,

Good to read from you again! I am sorry you’re still struggling with feeling betrayed and disappointed in your friend. This is what I am noticing so far: you appear to be someone who is very cautious not to send wrong signals to male friends:

I m someone who is very particular about what kind of vibe each and everything in my life is setting in me that includes the things that I do and the people I am involved with.

And incase of a male friend I am even more careful, because I have almost always had a bad experience with getting close to a guy friend that they kind of start having feelings even though they know I dont feel that way. And then it no longer stays the same.

You are very careful not to cross boundaries and not to be misunderstood, because you had a bad experience with a male friend misinterpreting your kindness and openness, I guess, and it was uncomfortable for you. So you’re super cautious not to send the wrong vibe.

You believed he was a solid guy, you respected him a lot and looked up to him, so you thought he is similar like you and would never send wrong signals and cross boundaries unless he meant it. You believed that he shared the same values as you do in this respect, and that he’s mature enough not to lead people astray. What I am thinking is that he might be mature and responsible enough in other fields, like his studies, and supporting you in standing up for what’s right, but it doesn’t mean he has the emotional maturity and insight that you do. It appears you’re emotionally more mature than he is.

He probably felt good receiving all that attention from you, especially after his breakup, when his self-esteem was hurt, and he didn’t think about the consequences. Maybe he was aware of what he was doing but didn’t have the emotional maturity to stop himself from doing it.

And then it struck me, that if all of this never meant  to him as crossing the friendship boundaries, did I even know this person? Was he even ever a friend or was he selfish enough to let our friendship be ruined for his personal means?

I’d say you knew him partially, but not completely. This situation revealed that he probably lacks emotional maturity. Was he selfish? Well yes, he did what felt good to him without thinking much of the consequences. I’m not sure though how aware he was of what he was doing to you. That’s why it’s good you asked him and clarified it.

This really broke me, he is one of the only two friends of mine with whom I have tried to stay in touch everyday, (the other is my bestfriend )  and now it shatters my self esteem that I could allow someone to have this much of my attention and affect with their toxic behaviour in my life. I feel bad that i thought i could trust him with myself, that even though guys have this tendency of leading girls on, he is not one of em.

You seem to be disappointed not only in him, but also in yourself for not seeing his intentions earlier. For not seeing that he wasn’t really this perfect guy you thought him to be. Well, it wasn’t your fault really, because you didn’t have a full picture of him earlier. You saw him as solid, reliable, responsible, kind…  because you weren’t in a position to see him from this proximity. Now you had the chance, and you’re not in an illusion any more.

I don’t know if he’s narcissistic – which means irreparably selfish and self-centered – or he simply needs more self-awareness and emotional maturity. Perhaps you’d need to figure that out before you decide how to proceed with him.

These are my thoughts for now, let me know what you think…