Dear Pavel,
He started a fire, massive explosion of emotions nobody did before and then he left.
After he asked for your phone number, did he call you? And what happened then?
It could be that the fire you’re experiencing is because you felt seen and understood by him, like you’ve never felt seen and understood before:
We had really intense conversation about our life storylines, favorite books and movies, drug and psychosis experiences (he has schizophrenia). We talked about life and death. About purpose and legacy.
If we feel seen and understood by someone, it can make us massively attracted to them. You feel you might have some type of brotherly bond with him, you perhaps felt a certain “remembrance” of your spiritual mission and purpose. All that could make him incredibly attractive to you.
He, I believe, was just a trigger, a catalyst, for you to start feeling yourself and your deepest yearnings more deeply. The goal is not necessarily to engage in a relationship with him – which as you said, is not healthy – but to start exploring yourself more deeply. It’s great you’re going to rehab, that’s the first step…
If you’d like to share some more about your life and the pain that you’ve experienced, you’re welcome to do so…
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 