Dear Jane,

I was in a similar situation at the beginning of my relationship with my now husband. He had a sick brother he had to take care of, and I felt exactly like you: I was hurt because I wasn’t his priority. He was very attached to his brother and suffering because of his deteriorating condition. Almost all his time and energy was focused on his brother. I decided to break up because I felt uncared for and neglected.

Well, some time later his brother passed away, and only then did I start realizing how selfish I was in this entire story. It actually caused a spiritual and personal crisis in me (because I wanted to get back with him and he was very reluctant because he felt betrayed). It was the trigger to start me on the path of personal development.

One of the first things I’ve learned is that the reason for my needy behavior was that I felt unloved, and needed someone to love and care for me, like a mother would care for a child. I needed to be No1 in his world, and I needed his life to revolve around me. When this wasn’t possible, I felt abandoned and unloved.

Another problem was my anxious attachment style, where I felt I couldn’t live without him. I wasn’t able to cope either existentially or emotionally without him. I was like a needy child, and he was like a good mother that I never had. It took me quite some time to heal those wounds and be able to take care of myself emotionally so that I don’t depend on him so much.

You say you’ve stayed in a marriage for 36 years with a mentally ill man who refused to seek help. That probably shows your fear of being alone, since it was easier (or safer?) for you to stay in an unhappy marriage than to separate. He must have met your needs in some way though, since you haven’t left to look for someone else?

My advice is to work on healing the abandonment issues, and the lack of self-love, because that’s the only way to experience a fulfilling relationship…