Hi Anita,

I think im in a negative spiral. Probably starting with that whole pattern from childhood….being the loser so that others can win. Finding that im happier seeing someone else smile than worrying about my own loss, misfortune or wishes. I dont know how to fix that because i said, i expect disasters where they are not. This may be a learned behaviour. But i find it really hard to believe that i have ended up so messed up and alone when i see and hear about people around me who seem to be much worse…but attract someone.

From your questions:

(1.) This was the first relationship that was so chaotic. earlier relationships were much softer, with no extremes.

(2.) I don´t believe i suffer from mood swings…but i know i suffer/suffered from depression. I had a nervous breakdown some years before, while i was in another relationship. It was due to a pressurized job where i felt i was overloaded.  I was crying so much one night and couldnt stop. It was a shock to the system to be unable to function. My partner was supportive but we ended up growing apart as i became depressed after and i felt a lot of failure that it didnt work out as i had no plan b. Change is not something easy for me but i left my home, my relationship, my job and the country i had lived in for some years…my parents had to support me and it was during the crisis years.

My general mood has always been more subdued than upbeat…more calm than happy. I was shy as a child and teenager. I studied art. I notice that for some people i come across depressed. But to me depression is something way worse.

..my last partner, who im writing about, did seem to have moments of anger. He would seem to get mad about something and nothing and could be vicious in what he said. He seemed to get mad in the kitchen and in the car..i dont know why. When i cried he seemed to get angrier and the first time that happened i was shocked. Usually if you love someone, you don´t want to see them in pain ..he wasn´t like that…the arguments would usually escalate. He threatened to leave me on the highway, he threatened to call the police. He called me names and asked me to leave ( i was living with him).

Over the last 3 years my work has increasingly become more and more stressful. Its a small company and a family member was brought in. This guy is now to the point where he appears to have almost total control, even over the boss, i am told she planned to eventually hand the company to him but she is not that old. Its horrible to watch and he is demeaning to those older colleagues who have worked there longer and with more experience. I understand… i should just leave…but again, im afraid to leave what i know and i feel like im always forced out, why should i go? But I feel stuck and angry about decisions they make and that makes me feel rage. So yeah, that could count as a mood changer.

Only just today they have stolen a sale from a colleague which will affect one of my best clients…this means my reputation is affected. These take years to build trust and minutes to destroy. But he will make a lot of money and simply says its good for the company and he will look good. The boss argued against me and is completely blind. I think i HAVE to leave.

I keep telling myself karma will do something to them but nothing happens, i am the one who is punished more and more. He appears to enjoy demeaning me, as i dont speak the language perfectly..he enjoys showing me expensive things he has bought as though id be impressed, and shows off at our meetings about things he has sold…its really obnoxious. I am told by others that he and his wife do not have a great reputation.

(3.) To a certain extent that is true. I have mostly feelings of failure, that im struggling so much in life. Ive taught myself a lot of the skills i have but dont find i get support or guidance. But ive had moments of feeling im better than others. I feel sometimes i have to believe that i am a god like figure to get past the injustices and hardships i have had. Some of the people i work with have little experience of the world and can come across to me very arrogant, because they are comfortable in their home and their place. I always feel i can learn from others but i dont think thats the case for some people.

(4) Im not sure i have any impulsive behaviours….im trying hard not to drink but thats about it.

(5) yes, i generally feel that way….i used to study art, it would involve keeping journals and drawing or painting….i havent been able to pick any of that back up in years. Ive done other things like knitting, renovations, taking photographs…but i cant seem to get started on projects it takes a mindset that i feel i dont have time for anymore.

My ex was demanding in that he expected from me, that i would also function as his assistant in his work..i did it because i loved him but he really abused it. At first when i was living with him it was like we were working towards the same goal but later i came to see i was serving a purpose for him. That he had no intentions of settling down with me and sharing.

I think in work i was referring to another colleague who was and is incredibly difficult to work with. She is highly demanding and basically needs a secretary to abuse. Ive told the boss to get her one and stop bothering me but they wont. Both her and this other guy are basically awful to deal with. When i say abuse, i mean; putting you down in front of clients, teasing in meetings and pointing out mistakes that lead back to you, calling persistently and then saying she has to go and hanging up, complaining in front of the boss if you told her to do something, so that the boss turns round and says `from now on we´ll do it the way she wants´, on occasion she would throw things at me or say some swear word to me…etc. She has had arguments with everyone in the company and i have a very weak boss. Ive recently changed my role so im not dealing so much directly with her but she still asks for stuff.

BUT somehow i also get on with her because she can be funny, we know each other quite well and can share a joke, she is able to be empathetic and kind…  i find it sad because i like her but she wont change…..same type of thing with the boyfriend right?

I started really getting into star signs some years ago ironically from the woman he first cheated with (spirtual healer and tarot reader) i started reading tarot and got totally obsessed with it, just reading my sign. My colleague is Libra like my mother and they are very similar in character, we get on really well until we dont then theres a big fallout. The boyfriend is Gemini and is certainly two-faced and has the energy of 7 people, always changing where he lives and who he is with. I am a Scorpio. I cant help being attracted to these energies but they are destructive.