Dear Ryan,

I’ve taken a look at your earlier threads. You had a great discussion with Anita there, who very astutely pointed at the dynamics you had with women and its possible causes. I now realize that you did say No to a woman before (to your ex with a small son), however it wasn’t a strong, resolute no, but rather an ambivalent no.

You didn’t really want a relationship with her, you didn’t want to live with her and share life with her – so that was your No. But you did want her in your life from time to time, going to trips and spending time with her and her son. That was your Yes. You wanted her to be emotionally close to you, to confide in you, to talk about her problems. You were receptive to that and seeking it even after you broke up, which she told you she isn’t willing to do.

What you weren’t receptive to was her anger towards her father. Her anger repelled you and you said it was one of the reasons you broke up with her. Anita noticed that you might be suppressing your own anger (towards your mother) and that’s why you cannot deal with hers. Your mother scolded you when during arguments you would use the word “freaking”. It seems to me that this is how she silenced you and deterred the attention from the actual problem to something inconsequential like proper speaking. You weren’t allowed to get angry with her, or to express that anger. Would you say that’s true?

When we suppress our anger, we cannot set proper boundaries either, and we cannot say a definite and resolute No. We also don’t know what we want, or we don’t dare to go after what we want. So we cannot say a definite and resolute Yes either. This may even cause depression because we can’t selectively suppress just anger, but we need to suppress ALL emotions, including joy and happiness.

Do you recognize yourself in any of this?