Thank you Teak and Anita for your responses.

I 100% think he is a good person. I just question if we are compatible.. if he is the right person for me and if I am the right person for him. I think the reason I’ve had several short-term relationships is because, subconsciously, I am looking for something “wrong” as you said Anita. It probably does stem from my fear of having a marriage like my parents’. I have always wondered why my friends have been in 4 year relationships, and despite having problems, will always want to get back together, whereas I am fine with leaving a relationship if something isn’t working. However, a healthy marriage and healthy environment for my children is very important to me.

I do agree, I do come off as a relaxed girlfriend, which maybe I intentionally try to be. I’ve never been good at communication with partners about how I am feeling, which has led to feelings of resentment. Shortly after I wrote my last post, I met my boyfriend and when he tried to be intimate with me, I was resisting. He could tell something was wrong and literally had to PRY the information from me, because I was that afraid of sharing how I felt. I think I also have a fear of partners leaving me, which is why I hold my feelings back. I did tell him that I’d like to have a check-in at least daily. He agreed he could do that and it lasted for a few weeks, then tapered off (which usually happens when I bring things up). I find it hard to ask for my needs to be met, like maybe I am asking for too much or I am being difficult. Since I was a child, I’ve been very independent. Because my home environment wasn’t the greatest, I relied on myself for excelling in my academics and being successful in my future. I do not like asking for help from others.

I have a great relationship with my mom. She is loving, supportive and caring. My dad and I are close as well and I still love him despite what he put us through. When he is sober, I enjoy being around him. But when he is drunk, I hate him (harsh, but it is how I feel in the moment). I try to blame his alcohol addiction instead of him because I would never not want to have a relationship with him. I would still do anything for him. I know my upbringing has affected me in ways I can’t control and might not be aware of. But how do I work through this? I want to have a healthy view on relationships but feelings of doubt and pessimism always seem to haunt me. I appear as a very confident and relaxed person to my friends and partners, but I think I am definitely insecure.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by Ashmitha.