Dear Ashmitha:

For the purpose of trying to feel as close to what you felt as a child, during the scene you described, I will imagine the scene, guessing in regard to a few of the details. First (#1) I will describe the scene without your feelings at the time, second (#2), I will describe the scene adding your feelings to it.

(#1) You are sitting at your little desk doing homework, focusing on your work. You hear a commotion in the living room, the familiar sounds of your father being drunk and angry and your mother being scared. You walk the short distance to the living room. You see your father holding a knife, pointing it at your mother. You hear your father threatening her. You go to the kitchen. You take a knife from the kitchen drawer. You walk to the living room. You point the knife at your father. You tell him to leave your mother alone.

* You wrote: “whenever my dad gave my mom trouble, I would be the first to go up to him and tell him to leave her alone. My mother was afraid for my safety.. I was not afraid of him… This did not scare me lol. I would go to the kitchen, get my own knife, and stand up to him and ask him what his problem was”-

– but it can not be true that you were not afraid, that seeing your father holding a knife etc., did not scare you:

(#2) When you heard the commotion, when you saw your father holding a knife, when you heard him threatening your mother, you were very, very scared. Adrenaline was rushing through your blood, causing your heart to beat fast, pumping lots of blood to your brain and muscles, your muscles tightened, preparing for a fight, your breathing quickened, getting lots of oxygen to your brain and muscles, you felt intense clarity and strength. With that clarity, with that strength, you stood tall and confident, pointing the knife at him.

* “I saw myself as a stronger woman than she was… I matured mentally very quickly and family viewed me as very resilient. My mom still talks about how she never worries about me because I take care of myself”- I am stopping here, Ashmitha, because this exercise has been emotionally intense for me, and at this point, I am not able to think further. I would like to return to your thread later. You are welcome to respond, if and when you are emotionally able and willing.

anita