@Jay2023 @Rhaenys @Sammy

Thank you so much for reaching out to me. I’m a ball of nerves guys. I feel like I’ve gone back to the very beginning where I have lost control over myself.

All that work on regulating my emotions, not trying to act on impulse, not being hot headed in my reactions, being secure has all evaporated.

When I got the text from my ex mate on Monday evening congratulating me and asking if we could meet up in person to bury the hatchet. ‘B’ was resting in my lap, she saw my mood change, she’s very perceptive and she asked if I was ok.

I showed her the text and my initial emotion was disdain and I told her I was not going to reply. It was then she said it would be polite and courteous to reply saying thank you at least and then to reflect on the rest.

We began discussing it and she suggested that if I had really forgiven them then making amends fully might bring me more peace and she knew I missed him etc. She was suggestive not insisting.

I got hot headed though, I heard what I wanted to hear and let my own insecurities get the better of me and I said the controlling comment and how she had no clue of the pain they caused, basically took the annoyance out on her. I didn’t shout at her but I wasn’t very nice in my tone either.

She was obviously taken aback and said it was best if she didn’t stay over. I just said fine. That evening I didn’t message her, should I have done? I thought it would all blow over.

She’s never seen me as agitated as this. I’ve never seen her back away from communicating and resolving things right away either.

The next day I felt like an idiot and realised my stupidity,  in a calmer mood I decided to text her our usual morning banter when we are apart, she replied but very briefly with GM and have a good day.

I tried to call her but by then she was at work so I apologised over text and asked her few things about the wedding, things thawed a bit as we had some important things to sign off so there was an exchange of texts but all to do with the wedding nothing to do with the events of the night before. After work as usual she called and just said she would like it if we could have some space and was sorry but wanted to cancel the long weekend plans we had. I was upset but I realised how much it had impacted her and didn’t think it was the time to force her hand so said whatever you need and apologised again and said I love you. I heard her voice break, I know she was crying and she just said me too, speak soon and ended the call.

So I am panicking, I am gutted she is so upset and firstly I didn’t realise the gravity and now I can’t comfort her. If I could I’d scoop her up and hold her tight and tell her what an idiot I was over a stupid text. I want to respect her need for space and I am.

But I also can’t help but feel she may be having cold feet. I’m trying to sit patiently but I feel angry I hurt her again because of my past. I’m frustrated with myself that after all the work I’ve done, I still falter and can’t deal with the wounds of my past more effectively.

So looks like Danny is still a mess! I’m so disappointed in myself. What do I do? What if she calls off the wedding? It’s not like her to cancel plans. I don’t know how the hell I’m going to get through this bank holiday weekend without worrying.