Hi Anita,

Nothing has turned a corner yet, im feeling either tired or angry most of the time, the anger keeps me going without which i just fall back into depression.  I realise that i can never get away from thoughts of my ex, he is part of the wallpaper in there. And at work things just continue to shoot bullets so they ricochet around the room. I feel like im watching a desperate struggle for power from this family member, its a bit insane.

My colleague had a fight with him the other day and he started playing victim …its plain by the actions that he is just greedy, he wants all the money, all the power and is highly controlling. im tired of the games.

Ive avoided contact as much as possible but it will be hard to do.

I don´t miss my childhood, i miss my adulthood! i wonder so much why im so bad at this. I have not had success in any area of my life. Ive needed financial support from my family without which i would just drown. Ive worked so hard to build something up but somehow im paid just enough to live. Its hopeless.

I guess it means that i can´t take care of myself…at all. Even if i try. For most women i know, they get married and then some of the weight and responsibility is shared, life is easier if you are in a partnership for sure, financially but also emotionally. But im also aware, if not just from my failed attempts, that sometimes the stress is just not worth it and there is no guarantee that your other half will want to take care of you in the same way. That was my situation in at least 3 relationships, so maybe i came across as too independent.

My childhood was more carefree yes. I had a lot of freedom and i was in a secure home. No physical abuse. But my mother was depressive and certainly in my teens i remember spending hours sorting out her problems with her. I think i believed in my early teens that i could fix these things. She must have felt very alone herself but is also a very complicated and demanding person. My dad travelled a lot so effectively we were raised without him around much. My sister was also out most of the time, avoiding the family and sulky when she was at home. I felt like she didnt like being around and judging by little comments later in her life, that would be correct. I also took my councelling hat to school with me and when people needed to talk i found it interesting to learn about how they thought about things, trying to iron out the problems and find a solution. My mind is always searching to understand the intentions of other people.

My ex reminded me of my mother a lot. They were very similar in character…easygoing and playful and then able to be sharply unfair or unkind, both Air signs.